Hiding-your-true-feelings reality in a homophobic society

When I met my first gay friend it happened to be a new world to me and quite honestly, I had mixed feelings about it but I didn’t feel awkward. He wasn’t ready to tell me the truth at the beginning, and I wanted him to use his time to get comfortable with our friendship. Supporting this guy I discovered much about the life of gay people. I fell to thinking of the reality I knew nothing about in the past. It happened to be a kind of revolution in my ideas of life. I was proud of his courage and felt deeply for him at the same time. We got drunk once, and I confessed I might be attracted to women. “I wouldn’t like you to be gay in our society”, he said. Yeah, now when I have come out as a bisexual I understand the true meaning of his words. It’s like an ordeal you have to go through. You can either accept your love or deny it.

My friend lives now in another country where he feels much better, and I’m very glad about it. But what does it mean? If I want to feel free being bisexual I need to leave my country? Sounds ridiculous, you see. And it really hurts. But there is a deal of truth in it. I’m not afraid of being judged by others. It’s my life and I do my best to live it the way I want to. I will never sacrifice my love in order to please the haters. A rebel has always lived inside of me. I hate this injustice. But I don’t want my family and friends to be judged or blamed by others. Homosexuality is often taken as a sin but who the devil told us that? There are lots of other things to be considered as real sins. I grew up in this country, and now you tell me I can’t be myself here?!

I’m a bisexual but I’ve not had a girlfriend yet. How can I do it if people are afraid of being who they are here? There are no gay women in my social circle. Or maybe they just keep their sexuality from others. And if I fall in love with a woman I won’t be able to agree with the reality according to which this love is considered as something “strange”. I can’t help thinking that it’s gonna be hard to walk the streets peacefully hand in hand with my lover enjoying the moment because there always will be those who will try to insult or even worse laugh at us. I don’t understand why they laugh; I wish they knew how sad the life of a gay can be. I’m a conscious citizen who needs to be protected, not rejected by the society. I’m a part of this society like anybody else. It’s hard to get how people can be so kind to some and so cruel to others.

There are things I don’t like, there are people I don’t understand but it doesn’t give me a right to insult anybody. I know we cannot accept all the things existing in nature just because we are different, but we need to remember every human being has their feelings, beliefs and preferences. Who says we need to follow the majority? Who can say what will happen in the future? The majority doesn’t necessarily discover the right way. You can build your promising future only being a personality. We need to be who we are. If you deny yourself you will never be truly happy. It’s impossible to find the balance if you live your whole life in struggle. Tell me why some are in a position to do whatever they want to, when others have to suffer and hide their true feelings because of those ridiculous fears and prejudices?

What is a norm to you? A rule adopted by the majority? As far as I know it’s a sin to steal and kill, but love is not a sin. Homosexuality has always existed. It was not a usual thing to talk about in the past but now it’s time to tell the truth. Love is love. And all those laws are made by people who need love. It reminds me of a doctor who tells you how harmful smoking is to your health but then goes outside to light his cigarette.

About Tala Carson

I'm a young writer. Weirdo. Devoted art lover. Nature lover. Seeker after knowledge. Seeker after justice. Inspired by loving hearts, sincere souls, good deeds and noble causes. To come to know me better and get an idea of what I'm made from - check out my blog. It may happen we find ourselves to be on the same wavelength ;)
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6 Responses to Hiding-your-true-feelings reality in a homophobic society

  1. kdaddy23 says:

    Why are some people in a position to do whatever they want when it comes to their sexuality? It’s because they don’t care what society has to say about the person that they are (I know I don’t care what they think). Why do some have to suffer and hide? I’ve always thought that it’s because they’re more worried about how they’re going to be seen by others and the potential for disaster – losing friends, alienating relatives, stuff like that. This isn’t to say that their concern isn’t justified or imagined because there are still a lot of people who react badly to anything that isn’t heterosexuality and some folks who aren’t straight do, in fact, have a lot to lose if it’s discovered that they’re not as straight as originally thought.

    I’ve felt that if we – as bisexuals or even gays – allow our fears to control our lives and if we allow the prejudice of others steal our joy, we’re the ones with the problem, not them because if we choose to, we can wrest back control of our lives from that fear and summarily ignore the prejudice so that we can go on with our lives and in the manner that we want and need to.

    I chose to be who and what I am – I am bisexual and damned proud of it; anyone who doesn’t like it, well, that’s on them and all they can do is not like it. And, really, if there was something they could do, it’s not going to change the fact that i am bisexual, is it?

    Nah, I don’t think so…

    • talacarson says:

      “You cannot please the whole world and his wife”.

      There will always be those who like us, as well as those who don’t, no matter in what way we feel different. The truth is that we have had this fundamentally wrong image according to which people of different sexuality are taken as “strangers” by the majority. Despite those bills approved in support of sexual minority, the society’s attitude towards homosexuality is negative for the most part. That is one of the reasons why so many gays and bisexuals live through this devastating struggle trying to accept themselves. This lack of self-confidence is caused by the fear of not being accepted by the society, when you come right down to it. More and more guys and girls have this courage to come out, but for others the problem resides in absenсe of support.

  2. gypsy116 says:

    Hugs dear. Im now completely open as being bisexual, and have been for years, but it took me years of self hatred and doubt to get to this place :(

    • talacarson says:

      Yeah, it often happens to be a long painful process of self-acceptance. My mind was rent by strong doubts.
      I feel complete at the moment but I haven’t come out to my parents yet. It’s gonna be another experience I need to live through.
      I’m glad to hear you are completely open now! Being who you are means being free. Wish you well! Hugs!

  3. disconcerted72 says:

    Wow! I’m glad I came across your blog. I didn’t come t oaccepting my own bisexuality until very late in life. On the one hand, I am glad I’m no longer dating, but on the other hand I can’t help to wonder what I may or may not have missed out on because I did everything to hide myself from….society, family, friends but ultimately I hid from myself.

    Anyways, maybe people will be inspired by you, where as they could not be by me…!

    • talacarson says:

      Don’t let your past to make your future. What’s done is done now. Yes, we bear responsibility for our lives, and our happiness depends for the most part on the efforts made. But at times we find ourselves losing control over a situation and feel disoriented. It takes us some time to live through this self-discovery process. One never knows how much time they personally need to finally accept themselves. But it is not a waste of breath. It’s what we need to discover ourselves. Some can easily determine the answers; others face a really devastating hardship. But if you finally accept the person you are, you can live the rest of your life being honest with yourself. There are people who cannot accept themselves because of the fears. You’ve made this step and it can be a kind of relief. It’s hard to keep your sexuality under wraps but I want you to know you are not alone. You are an inspiration for those who have been living in a struggle. You have set a good example for others to follow because it is never too late to accept yourself and be what you might have been. I wish you lots of courage!

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