A happy soul cries for a change

People can be happy living the life of their dreams as they take it. There are goals these people will never achieve but the fact doesn’t have a significant effect on their lives, because they’ve found that inner harmony each of us is striving for. Things seem to be more or less complete to them but there are the so-called force-majeure circumstances – something that’s always been hot on our tail: wars, natural disasters and other things we cannot control but are constantly contributing to.

I haven’t worked on my book for a while. That’s not because I don’t want to. Believe me or not but I can’t find any inspiration around. It’s a real trial to gather your thoughts under the circumstances because everything is changing so fast that you can’t sense your own emotions. There are too many thoughts and there is such a deep emptiness. This is time incomprehensible to me and millions of people. It takes too many words to express what I feel at the moment and it tends to mean big nothing. We know nothing. We never know anything. We only think that we know everything and this “awareness” gives us the imaginary right to consider ourselves to be wiser than others, but the reality destroys our relations with other people. This war created indiscrete chaos. It brought division into families. So many lives have been ruined. Children. What about children that will never be born?

There are people who have never been 100% satisfied with their existence but they have got strong reasons to feel happy. Their lives are full of laugh, light and warmth. They are able to possess many of the things they need. They have loving families and true friends. But there is something they can’t explain and it is far from the sense of harmony. It happens when we can’t realize our potential and feel like we don’t live our life to the full. This sense of frustration makes us cry at the happiest moments. We begin to feel that something went wrong. But when and why? What if we never achieve what we are meant for? We are in fear at the mere thought of losing a chance. Some of us don’t know how to interpret this life goal and always find themselves between heaven and earth. We can only feel the need to change the direction of life. Others know what they want from their life but can’t find the right way to realize a dream. Such is the case with me. I do not blush to own that I need to find my way and put my things straight.

At times we are afraid of new steps. Change… A change that will blow the new breath into our heads. But why is it so hard at times to make this change? Why can’t we take this step if all our essense strives for it…if all our soul cries for a change?… I think everyone has their reasons…but whatever be the reason I believe our will is strong enough to make the wind blow in the right direction.

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Life is like a diversified menu

Life is a weird thing. It can be worry free at times. It can be hard at times. But it is always unpredictable. We never know what it has in store for us, but it is what we find it attractive for.

Life changes very often like the weather. We can either go with the stream or we can fight. It’s how we find ourselves between hope and fear. But what if we take our fears as a new opportunity to turn our dreams into reality? Going with the stream doesn’t necessarily mean going around in a circle. Fighting doesn’t always provide us with swift changes. Take a listen to your heart – it gives you the best possible answer.

Life is about interaction. You may never know who you inspire with your words or deeds, but feel certain that there is someone you spirit up with your smile.

Don’t be afraid to live. Life’s menu is diversified :)

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Going home for Christmas

I haven’t been home for about 5 months! This may sound like a short period of time to some of you, but it’s like “I haven’t been home for ages” to me. I left my country for the first time in my life. I miss my family badly and get more homesick as the months roll by. People say everybody can acclimatize themselves to the life in a new place, and I am more at my ease now. I’m getting to know my way around, but there is one thing I cannot put up with – it’s a distance. My family has always been everything to me. We’ve always stood close up to one another.

At the same time I am happy to realize my family grows bigger :) You know that I live with a wonderful woman, and now she is my family as well!

My sweetheart makes me feel on top of the world. She is my endless inspiration. Every time I look into Her beautiful eyes I realize she is the apple of My eyes :) I admire her pure soul and the way she is thankful for small mercies.

I can be myself around my wife. And I try to give her as much tender loving care as I can. But I feel like I’m kind of unjust to my woman. At times when I face difficulties at my new place I can be upset and say things like “my life at home was easier and more comfortable than that I lead in this country. I feel here like a fish out of water“. It’s not easy, for instance, to find a good job and I can’t obtain a medical insurance policy here because I don’t have a citizenship of this country. But at the same time I know there is more light than shade in our lives. And I’m happy to settle down to married life and lead my responsible life. I have no words to express my gratitude to my wife. She is such a warm person! When I cry my woman takes me to her arms and sets my mind at rest. And I feel that I can be happy with my wife in any part of the world and I am ready to follow her to the ends of the earth, because FAMILY COMES FIRST.

We are gonna visit my homeland on Christmas. I want to introduce my sweetheart to my parents and show her round the place I grew up in :)

May the incoming year bring more light and warmth into your Families!

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I’m bisexual. Not guilty.

I haven’t written about my bisexual experience for a while. Hmm, how can I say this? A lot has happened in my life, and at times this is quite an occasion to put my ideas in order for a variety of reasons. As for my self-identity, I feel like I have already accepted myself, but I don’t know how to introduce my bisexuality into society and surroundings I grew up in. Well, I am not as afraid of coming out as I used to be like six months ago. The fact of the matter is I find myself in a state of “two lives” that I don’t know how to reconcile. I moved to another country in July to start a family with my girlfriend. And I feel at ease living the life of a bisexual. In my native country I lived the life of a straight girl and felt perfectly fine as well. I haven’t been to my country for about five months after I left the nest. I am going to visit my home village and meet my dear family and friends in a month.

On the one hand, it feels like nothing has changed – I am the very same girl I used to be. On the other hand, a change came over me – I fell in love with a woman. I look straight to society as before, and there is no doubt people never stop asking me about “my boyfriend” or “husband” etc., etc. There are people who will never accept the fact of same-sex love. Not because they are homophobic, but because the fact a woman can make another woman happy goes over their heads. Some strongly believe it’s a man and only a man who is meant to make a woman happy, and only a man is able to provide for the future of family. So, we should be ready for whatever comes – not everybody can understand it. There will always be those who don’t take same-sex relationships seriously.

By way of example, I have already told my close friends about my private life changes. They’ve accepted my choice and are glad of it with all heart. There is one friend of mine who just cannot understand how a woman is gonna take care of another woman. He tried to offer his explanations, one of which was like “You just need someone (a friend or room-mate) to live under the same roof to make your life easier in another country“. But at the same time he accepts the idea of platonic love (platonic friendship) to a person of any gender, and assumes there can be same-sex love in principle.

Anyway, we should respect the looks of other people, especially if their attitude to us remains friendly and supportive.

I’ve been living with my woman for about five months. This is my first experience of same-sex relationship. Well, I don’t feel like “Omg, I love a Woman!” :) The truth is I live with a person I love. Some guys consider me as a gay and believe I just can’t accept it, but I am not gay. I am who I have always been. I am a girl who cherishes her love. What has changed? Nothing. Really. I am still stick to my way of living, life philosophy and life values.

I met a gay couple last weekend. We had a talk about acceptance. One guy said something like “there is too much noise about the topic, but actually there is nothing unnatural about it“. And really, come to think of it, if a woman loves another woman or a man dates another man – what’s wrong with that? There are so many lonely people in the world, and some of them never find their true love. We don’t much care about their life. Why then do we make a noise when two lonely hearts find each other? No matter the gender. Why do we cultivate this hatred when there is enough of evil in the world without adding this? We poach in other people’s business breaking their lives, and behave like we are empowered to dictate terms. But when somebody intrudes on our feelings we become annoyed. Come on, what’s going on!? Let’s all be free.

Straight, gay or bisexual – who cares? I am a human being who follows her heart.

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Are you sincere to your cherished dream?

Everyone dreams of happiness. While some gradually achieve their cherished dreams over the years, others seem to be miles from pursuing their secret ambitions. It is worth mentioning there are dreams we transform into “non-dreams” (often unconsciously) our life long due to the number of factors. We can be no more interested in some dreams or just forget them as we get older. But what about this secret ambition we have been cherishing since childhood?

Here we should mention people whose fancy range over many subjects. It’s hard then to concentrate all your energy and efforts on achieving a dream. People suffer from “non-realization” of their ambitions.

I have felt like I stand for a great dream since I was little. I tried to figure out the way I need to chose to fulfil my duty, but all the time I came to a dead-lock. The reason happened to be my insecurity and fears I faced. I needed to brace my energies and find inner harmony to be a true character. It took me years to solve my psychological problems. It took me some time to learn how to love and respect myself. I suffered a kind of depression trying to realize my life goal.

I found myself in a whole mess of trouble. I remember the days I was afraid of talking to people. It made me sweat to visit job interviews and, as a result, I refused the greatest vacancies. I was a bundle of nerves and fears. Why? I wanted to find the answer. I was a straight-A student and gained a diploma with high honours; I participated in the students’ academic conferences and wrote excellent recearch articles. But something went wrong at one point after my graduation from the university. When did I lose the moment? I could make a great career but I stumbled over a difficulty.

I am still young and “it’s never too late to start”, and I feel like I am about to make a big push. Now I am learning to live my life to the full and trying to use the time to make a difference.

I am a young writer. I have written some stories that are gonna be published soon. But my dream is much bigger. I just need to take the first step. It’s my lifelong ambition to become a good writer. But the core of my ambition is to make a contribution for the common good.

Now I understand I shouldn’t spend days and nights searching for answers. I just need to be sincere doing what I have a deep feeling for.

This year has been a real ordeal. The war that started in my country introduced subtly an odd subversive note into our souls. And I thought to myself for a moment: we perceive the beauty of life specially when we fall on hardtimes. But I wonder why we usually wait for something sad to happen to remember we are alive? By saying “live to the full” I mean not only love to  life, but also love to other people, Nature and other true beauties of the universe.

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My love has no label

Some people say you don’t have to come out if you don’t want to. And I can fully relate to this point of view. Private life is a private matter of a particular person and it’s entirely up to them to decide on whether to share it with others or not. If you lead both happy and fair life, who cares who you love – a man or woman? I can only share my story with people who truly care for me.

I am beyond caring what other people think of me but I hate labes. I know that from now on I am gonna be taken as a lesbian by the majority (despite the fact I’ve never been gay) because this is the mentality of our society, where you usually see either “too much” or “too less” of the truth avoiding a midpoint. And honestly speaking I would greatly prefer to be treated as “a girl who fell in love with another girl” without giving any names. There are so many souls and stories, each one is unique in so much that you can never perceive the whole depth of someone’s feelings.

Now I need my dearest people to know I live with my wife, not just a friend of mine. I want my wife to be a part of my family. I can imagine us visiting my parents on holidays, eating a Christmas turkey together and holding conversations on household topics…

This is unfair if I cannot introduce my sweetheart to my parents in a common way just because my sweetheart is a female.

I am going to meet my mom in a couple of months and tell her the truth. Quite honestly, I have some fears… this is a post-Soviet society, different mentality… and I don’t want her to have any fears or concerns. But in spite of everything my heart feels warmth and peace because I know my mom will be happy for me.

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Tricky silence

I’ve not written for ages. Nothing else but to admit.

I find myself in a state I cannot “touch”. A kind of weird but unique state. This is the way a person who lost control over time feels. I could force myself to open a door to the world of heart-searching, but they warn “Do not lean on door”.

Am I upset or disappointed? Am I angry or irritated? No, I am not. All I feel like ready to say is “I am speechless”. I think my world is undergoing a transformation. The crucial transformation I can neither stop nor push on. The only right thing – according to my heart – is to follow the flow.

I am like a fish in its natural environment but I am not a fish and water is not my environment. I cannot find a proper word to give a name to my present-day state. I am gracefully lost in the inconceivable mixture of feelings.

THANK YOU, MY LOVE, FOR YOUR TRUST AND UNDERSTANDING! 

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