Stuck in a rut?

You want to bring some light into your days but your current state of affairs makes you feel so tired that you are losing the pace. You are plagued with the thought you are wasting your time on the things you are not interested in. You would like to change the situation but you realize the necessity to make money. What for? You’ve set some really vital goals to achieve but all you are doing at the moment is collecting a salary just to sustain your life, and the whole thing makes you feel miserable.

You’ve heard so many theories of the deep meaning of life and you even tried to figure your own one out (at times the goal happened to be within your reach) but suddenly you found yourself in the labyrinth. Every day you ride in a bus to the office with lots of different people around you. With luck you may take a window seat. These are your quieter moments. But the scene from the window is the same everywhere… You do your nine-to-five job. And then you get home from work….tired and hungry… but not for food… you are hungry for life… Life you know nothing about but are eager to experience. You dream of being someone who can take the liberty to stop and smell the roses.

Do you remember the last time you felt deep in peace? You realize all you need is be happy with a quiet life. Instead, you commute to work you don’t even like and you have no time to spend it on what you are really fond of. You are working hard to enjoy freedom but you are more like a caged bird. You earn money and spend it. If you don’t work you don’t have money. It’s good to have your bread buttered for life and be able to follow your heart but it’s like going round in circles. It means all your life is deliberately or unconsciously focused on earning money. And while you are making money time is slipping away. Vicious circle? Nope. Just a matter of course. But you shouldn’t resign yourself to the inevitable. Life is more than a “work-to-eat” system if you know what your true calling is and if you have someone to love. Some day or other you will hit the right path to fulfil your life-long dream. You can see the same scene from the window every day but you can also slant off from the route and try something new. And you definitely have enough time to take your choice. You are just afraid of breaking out of a rut. A natural fear of the unknown, but life is inside you, and there is nothing stronger than a human will.

When you are stuck in a rut and feel lost in the path of life you need to focus on the things that make you feel perfectly safe. Take time out to connect with what cheers your heart, gives you a true sense of beauty and endues you with childish excitement. Find your familiar territory to be able to feel a new man. Life is not all beer and skittles, and you will always be solving problems and overcoming difficulties but life is amazing in itself, and you shouldn’t hide its beauties from yourself.

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Bisexual life from within

I’ve been living the life of bisexual for two years. I could look backwards and think of how it all began but does it make any sense? Life is what we have now.

Everybody’s heard about this false hypothesis that a bisexual can hardly be loyal to their partner. I believe it’s just a popular prejudice. Nobody’s perfect, no matter what your sexuality is. I would like to draw your attention to the inner side of bisexual life: what bisexuals have to live through day after day to find their peace of mind.

It is not uncommon in my part of the world when bisexual women get married to men of property but in the meantime they have secret affairs with another women. Well, that’s not my cup of tea. But fairly speaking it’s quite convenient in my area – not only because a man is considered to be more likely to sustain a family, but also because our post-Soviet society doesn’t accept the same-sex relationships, and as a result women often stay with men to avoid social prejudices. And I cannot judge anybody since it’s in our nature to belong to a place we belong to. Someone just makes their choice.

But I put my main emphasis in this post on a psychological side of bisexual life.

I’ve been a loyal person for as long as I can remember. And I believe the basis of any relationship is mutual respect. I’ve been in a same-sex relationship for almost a year and a half already. I still have some trouble in arranging my “new” stage of life but I’m doing my best to keep my mind sober. To be honest I used to think what my life сould be like if I were married to a man. Yes, it would be far easier in many regards. But life is too short to waste it on “maybes”.

Yes, being bisexual means being attracted to both genders, so I can’t say that I have aversion to men :) I used to be in relationships with men before I met my girlfriend both during the time I didn’t know about my bisexuality and after my coming out (to myself). Nothing has changed about my inner self. I am still as true as steel. I have a girlfriend (she is my first woman) and I am not going to play around. I am not that kind of person and I love my girlfriend.

When it comes to men, at times I feel like I lack men’s energy in my life and their wisdom; the way how men can set women’s minds at rest, and their ability to own emotions. But that doesn’t mean I want a man – nope, I just want to be true to myself. I am that girl I have always been: with the same views and set of values. Being bisexual doesn’t mean you have to become someone else. Moreover, I “discovered” my bisexuality when I was already a mature personality.

I know people say when you are in love with someone you don’t think about “maybes”, but life is more complicated than the idea of it, and love is not enough to make a happy and healthy relationship. Family starts with mutual respect and, of course, honesty both to yourself and those you love.

I can say for sure: a bisexual can be devoted. And instead of judging someone you’d better look into the inside of your own mind.

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Care for your soul, not for your ego



When I grow up I will be a butterfly, little and colourful.

I will be soaring but no so high.

I will be watching the world, but minding my step.

I will be lapping up the sunlight and reflecting the beauty of life with every wingbeat.

I will be breathing new life into dead flowers for them to revive.

I will be knocking on the windows of those who never saw the light,

And I will fall down if needed but I will never call myself a bird.


Be who you are. Strive for what you put your whole heart and soul into. But never lose your time on what makes you feel miserable even if it promises you everything under the sun. You can’t bite off more than you can chew but you can develop and improve yourself in a task you feel you are meant for. Better less, but of higher quality.

Remember: a caterpillar becomes a butterfly provided that it belongs to its natural environment.

Posted in Inspirational | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 13 Comments

Can’t keep it to myself anymore


I am not gonna talk politics… I am gonna talk about lives – LIVES affected by the politics. I am a Ukrainian but I was born in Russia. All my life I believed the two countries to be interrelated. And they really are. Or, rather, people of the countries, and cultures, traditions, mentalities and languages (most of the Ukrainians can speak Russian alongside with the Ukrainian, the mother tongue). And, of course, what is most important, is that almost every Ukrainian family has relatives or friends who live in Russia and vice versa. I don’t want to express my views, especially today when it’s hard to believe in any political force. All I can say is I love my country and I respect those Russians who respect me and the people of my country. What’s going on now in the world is a chain of well-staged political games and tricks. It’s really sad to know all the intrigues and provocations negatively affect the relations even between those people who used to be like family. I may not support a policy of our government but I love my Homeland. I think we should follow our own way both in political and social senses, we don’t have to be eager to side with any world power.

So, I am a Ukrainian, as I said. My Love is a Russian. Now we are living in Russia but thinking of moving to Ukraine. There are many Russian-Ukrainian families in our part of the world. It wasn’t a matter of special importance like two years ago because we lived in peace. But the situation is quite different these days. The attitude towards Russians is not the same among Ukrainians. Not everybody realizes it’s politics that destroys our relations. Where to live and how to live? I can either live in Russia with my Love but far from my family and friends, or go back to Ukraine and take my girlfriend along but place her under risk. Well, I have mixed feelings. My period of stay in Russia runs out in autumn and I will have either to prolong it officially or leave the country within the time allowed by law. In this regard we are trying to find the optimal ways to solve the situation. Time is drawing on.

We live here (in Russia) in a metropolis that has a large lgbt community. We can even walk hand in hand along the streets. As to my country and, in particular, the small town I grew up in, it’s like something not of this earth. Yes, believe me or not but I was 18 when I made out the meaning of a word “bisexual”. When I was a teenager me and my friends knew nothing about existence of different sexual orientations. And like all the other girls I dreamt of a prince charming :) I don’t want to live in a big city. I love small towns with fresh air, beautiful nature and people living in peace and quiet. But there is a problem with living in an area like that in my country: everybody knows you and your family. People never stop looking for gossip in my town. And I can’t even imagine what’s gonna happen around me when they get wind of my sexuality. Honestly, I don’t much care what others think of me, but I care for my family. I can move to another place to live, but my family will be staying in the town, and I want a peaceful and comfortable life for them. That’s the only reason why it would be okay to live in a big city. People are usually too busy in a metropolis to poke their nose into someone else’s business.

I read the article about a gay pride parade held in Kiev, the capital of Ukraine, on June, 6.  I would not visit the parade on a personal level, it’s not my cup of tea, to be honest. Everyone acts according to their own preferences. I don’t like a noise around me and I am not a fan of public events. But I think people organize lgbt pride parades because they want to be heard and stick up for their rights.

So, let’s return to the parade in Kiev. This is for the first time the president approved it. Of course, other political forces of our country as well as the majority of Ukrainians objected to the idea. The parade was attacked by the unknown. Ok, it’s interesting how the Ukrainians who support the actual president (because he promised to join the European Union and make our country a strong economy) don’t want to support sexual minorites like people in many other European countries do. So, the situation is as follows: we want to be a part of the EU but we are not ready to accept the winds of change.

Sure, the mentality of our nation is quite different from that of the Western world. It makes no sense to impose the other nations’ culture and ways of living upon us. The Ukrainian political forces can introduce the foreign specialists to our official institutions, they can even try to change the standards of our education system, but they will never change our mentality. Instead of binding our hand and foot they should plant love for mankind and uphold tolerance within the society.

…Because love and tolerance are a keystone of any civilized nation.

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Can’t wait to be a Mom

I’ve been dreaming of a baby for as long as I can remember. I feel Motherhood is my true calling. I am mature enough to take on responsibilities when it comes to raising a child.


But I never thought I would meet significant difficulties with planning for a pregnancy.

I am 28 years old but I am short in weight. And I fully realize I need to put on some weight and quit myself of the emotional stress I am suffering from to be able to carry fetus to term. I don’t want to expose my baby to any danger.

And, of course, the first thing I have to do is come out to my family. I love my parents dearly and I want to bring more joy and light into their lives. It’s hard to tell whether they feel comfortable about my sexuality or not but I’ll never be happy if I don’t tell the truth to my nearest and dearest.

And, last but not least, I don’t know how to raise children in a homophobic society. It will be a disappointment to me if I have to leave my Homeland because of the gross injustice and intolerance towards same-sex couples. But, hopefully, the social and legal situation for sexual minorities will change for the better some day soon in my country.

Posted in Bisexual and Proud, My nearest and dearest | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

I wish we could get married

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It’s weird to call you my girlfriend because you are more than just a girlfriend to me. It would be proper to call you my common-law partner. But the only word I feel most comfortable with is wife. We have been living together as a couple for almost a year. We are not married though. The fact is that we can enter into a marriage neither in your country nor in mine. We both come from the ex-Soviet area and have to fight against injustice. Sexual minorities are being treated unfairly for the most part in our society. Sure, we can go abroad and perform a marriage ceremony in a gay-friendly country, but this marriage won’t be legally recognized in our area. That’s sad.

But I love you – that’s beautiful.

They say marriage doesn’t define love, but what if two loving hearts wish for a wedding? It beats me why we have to accept the situation. Everyone must be treated equally under the law. In the same way that some people choose what to do in life, where to go etc., other people choose who to love. And above all, we make our choice guided by what our heart says.

Love conquers all.

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I am puzzled… how to act

Ooh, having an optimistic turn of mind I find myself in a fix at the moment.

This is for the first time in my life when I am in my right senses and feel mature but don’t know how to act. I venture to say my mind and character are completely set, and I fully realize the fact that there is no fate but what we make. I stand or fall by my own decision. But despite my sober mind I am in a bind today. This is a time of stress.

Sure, self-help is the best help but at times I feel like I need a friendly word of advice.

My parents still don’t know I am in love with a woman. They wish me happiness…. and I am so grateful to them! I want badly to tell my family the truth. They don’t even know the real reason why I left the country. You know that last year I moved to another country to live with my girlfriend. This was a tough decision for me, as you can imagine. I didn’t want to leave my family. I’ve always been deeply attached to my nearest and dearest. So, I had to take an extremely important step. I wanted to be with my girlfriend and realized it was time to start my adult responsible life.

I am a happy partner. I love to be attentive to my wife and see her interests. Of course, family life is not as easy as we would like it to be, but if two people cherish their relationship and are ready to meet each other half-way, they are very likely to create a close-knit family. Love is not enough to sustain a happy and healthy relationship. It takes two to achieve a domestic harmony. A good partner is, first of all, a good listener. 

I would like to return home in the near future. I miss my family a lot. My sweetheart is ready to go with me. Even more, she wants to live close by my family. But there are so many difficulties we have to face up to. We need to find the way that will enable my wife to live in my country. It’s a complicated problem, and I don’t even know what to start with.

And, of course, what I have to do first is to introduce my woman (as my partner) to my parents. This is the only possible way to live a fair life. I want to be honest to both my wife and my parents. The hardest part about coming out is fear. At times I feel like I am ready to confess to my mom and at other times I am fully overtaken by fear. I am so tired of this emotional stress I’ve been suffering for almost a year. I reduced in weight and now suffer from lack of healthy appetite. Stress and weight loss led to a hormone imbalance.

My wife and I want a large family – at least three children. This is my cherished dream. I am 28 years old and realize it’s time for me to have a baby. I can’t wait to be a mom. But because of this situation I feel apathetic. I don’t know how to quit myself of fear and stress. I need to feel good to be able to have a baby. I am doing my best to gain some weight but it needs atomic effort. 

There are moments we have to deal with difficulties and solve problems in our lives. It has always been the case. And this is probably how life works. But we can be truly happy and satisfied with what we have. All we need is to learn how to see the benefits of life among its gaps. 

Posted in Bisexual and Proud, Inspirational | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 12 Comments