Care for your soul, not for your ego

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When I grow up I will be a butterfly, little and colourful.

I will be soaring but no so high.

I will be watching the world, but minding my step.

I will be lapping up the sunlight and reflecting the beauty of life with every wingbeat.

I will be breathing new life into dead flowers for them to revive.

I will be knocking on the windows of those who never saw the light,

And I will fall down if needed but I will never call myself a bird.

   ***

Be who you are. Strive for what you put your whole heart and soul into. But never lose your time on what makes you feel miserable even if it promises you everything under the sun. You can’t bite off more than you can chew but you can develop and improve yourself in a task you feel you are meant for. Better less, but of higher quality.

Remember: a caterpillar becomes a butterfly provided that it belongs to its natural environment.

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Can’t keep it to myself anymore

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I am not gonna talk politics… I am gonna talk about lives – LIVES affected by the politics. I am a Ukrainian but I was born in Russia. All my life I believed the two countries to be interrelated. And they really are. Or, rather, people of the countries, and cultures, traditions, mentalities and languages (most of the Ukrainians can speak Russian alongside with the Ukrainian, the mother tongue). And, of course, what is most important, is that almost every Ukrainian family has relatives or friends who live in Russia and vice versa. I don’t want to express my views, especially today when it’s hard to believe in any political force. All I can say is I love my country and I respect those Russians who respect me and the people of my country. What’s going on now in the world is a chain of well-staged political games and tricks. It’s really sad to know all the intrigues and provocations negatively affect the relations even between those people who used to be like family. I may not support a policy of our government but I love my Homeland. I think we should follow our own way both in political and social senses, we don’t have to be eager to side with any world power.

So, I am a Ukrainian, as I said. My Love is a Russian. Now we are living in Russia but thinking of moving to Ukraine. There are many Russian-Ukrainian families in our part of the world. It wasn’t a matter of special importance like two years ago because we lived in peace. But the situation is quite different these days. The attitude towards Russians is not the same among Ukrainians. Not everybody realizes it’s politics that destroys our relations. Where to live and how to live? I can either live in Russia with my Love but far from my family and friends, or go back to Ukraine and take my girlfriend along but place her under risk. Well, I have mixed feelings. My period of stay in Russia runs out in autumn and I will have either to prolong it officially or leave the country within the time allowed by law. In this regard we are trying to find the optimal ways to solve the situation. Time is drawing on.

We live here (in Russia) in a metropolis that has a large lgbt community. We can even walk hand in hand along the streets. As to my country and, in particular, the small town I grew up in, it’s like something not of this earth. Yes, believe me or not but I was 18 when I made out the meaning of a word “bisexual”. When I was a teenager me and my friends knew nothing about existence of different sexual orientations. And like all the other girls I dreamt of a prince charming :) I don’t want to live in a big city. I love small towns with fresh air, beautiful nature and people living in peace and quiet. But there is a problem with living in an area like that in my country: everybody knows you and your family. People never stop looking for gossip in my town. And I can’t even imagine what’s gonna happen around me when they get wind of my sexuality. Honestly, I don’t much care what others think of me, but I care for my family. I can move to another place to live, but my family will be staying in the town, and I want a peaceful and comfortable life for them. That’s the only reason why it would be okay to live in a big city. People are usually too busy in a metropolis to poke their nose into someone else’s business.

I read the article about a gay pride parade held in Kiev, the capital of Ukraine, on June, 6.  I would not visit the parade on a personal level, it’s not my cup of tea, to be honest. Everyone acts according to their own preferences. I don’t like a noise around me and I am not a fan of public events. But I think people organize lgbt pride parades because they want to be heard and stick up for their rights.

So, let’s return to the parade in Kiev. This is for the first time the president approved it. Of course, other political forces of our country as well as the majority of Ukrainians objected to the idea. The parade was attacked by the unknown. Ok, it’s interesting how the Ukrainians who support the actual president (because he promised to join the European Union and make our country a strong economy) don’t want to support sexual minorites like people in many other European countries do. So, the situation is as follows: we want to be a part of the EU but we are not ready to accept the winds of change.

Sure, the mentality of our nation is quite different from that of the Western world. It makes no sense to impose the other nations’ culture and ways of living upon us. The Ukrainian political forces can introduce the foreign specialists to our official institutions, they can even try to change the standards of our education system, but they will never change our mentality. Instead of binding our hand and foot they should plant love for mankind and uphold tolerance within the society.

…Because love and tolerance are a keystone of any civilized nation.

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Can’t wait to be a Mom

I’ve been dreaming of a baby for as long as I can remember. I feel Motherhood is my true calling. I am mature enough to take on responsibilities when it comes to raising a child.

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But I never thought I would meet significant difficulties with planning for a pregnancy.

I am 28 years old but I am short in weight. And I fully realize I need to put on some weight and quit myself of the emotional stress I am suffering from to be able to carry fetus to term. I don’t want to expose my baby to any danger.

And, of course, the first thing I have to do is come out to my family. I love my parents dearly and I want to bring more joy and light into their lives. It’s hard to tell whether they feel comfortable about my sexuality or not but I’ll never be happy if I don’t tell the truth to my nearest and dearest.

And, last but not least, I don’t know how to raise children in a homophobic society. It will be a disappointment to me if I have to leave my Homeland because of the gross injustice and intolerance towards same-sex couples. But, hopefully, the social and legal situation for sexual minorities will change for the better some day soon in my country.

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I wish we could get married

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It’s weird to call you my girlfriend because you are more than just a girlfriend to me. It would be proper to call you my common-law partner. But the only word I feel most comfortable with is wife. We have been living together as a couple for almost a year. We are not married though. The fact is that we can enter into a marriage neither in your country nor in mine. We both come from the ex-Soviet area and have to fight against injustice. Sexual minorities are being treated unfairly for the most part in our society. Sure, we can go abroad and perform a marriage ceremony in a gay-friendly country, but this marriage won’t be legally recognized in our area. That’s sad.

But I love you – that’s beautiful.

They say marriage doesn’t define love, but what if two loving hearts wish for a wedding? It beats me why we have to accept the situation. Everyone must be treated equally under the law. In the same way that some people choose what to do in life, where to go etc., other people choose who to love. And above all, we make our choice guided by what our heart says.

Love conquers all.

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I am puzzled… how to act

Ooh, having an optimistic turn of mind I find myself in a fix at the moment.

This is for the first time in my life when I am in my right senses and feel mature but don’t know how to act. I venture to say my mind and character are completely set, and I fully realize the fact that there is no fate but what we make. I stand or fall by my own decision. But despite my sober mind I am in a bind today. This is a time of stress.

Sure, self-help is the best help but at times I feel like I need a friendly word of advice.

My parents still don’t know I am in love with a woman. They wish me happiness…. and I am so grateful to them! I want badly to tell my family the truth. They don’t even know the real reason why I left the country. You know that last year I moved to another country to live with my girlfriend. This was a tough decision for me, as you can imagine. I didn’t want to leave my family. I’ve always been deeply attached to my nearest and dearest. So, I had to take an extremely important step. I wanted to be with my girlfriend and realized it was time to start my adult responsible life.

I am a happy partner. I love to be attentive to my wife and see her interests. Of course, family life is not as easy as we would like it to be, but if two people cherish their relationship and are ready to meet each other half-way, they are very likely to create a close-knit family. Love is not enough to sustain a happy and healthy relationship. It takes two to achieve a domestic harmony. A good partner is, first of all, a good listener. 

I would like to return home in the near future. I miss my family a lot. My sweetheart is ready to go with me. Even more, she wants to live close by my family. But there are so many difficulties we have to face up to. We need to find the way that will enable my wife to live in my country. It’s a complicated problem, and I don’t even know what to start with.

And, of course, what I have to do first is to introduce my woman (as my partner) to my parents. This is the only possible way to live a fair life. I want to be honest to both my wife and my parents. The hardest part about coming out is fear. At times I feel like I am ready to confess to my mom and at other times I am fully overtaken by fear. I am so tired of this emotional stress I’ve been suffering for almost a year. I reduced in weight and now suffer from lack of healthy appetite. Stress and weight loss led to a hormone imbalance.

My wife and I want a large family – at least three children. This is my cherished dream. I am 28 years old and realize it’s time for me to have a baby. I can’t wait to be a mom. But because of this situation I feel apathetic. I don’t know how to quit myself of fear and stress. I need to feel good to be able to have a baby. I am doing my best to gain some weight but it needs atomic effort. 

There are moments we have to deal with difficulties and solve problems in our lives. It has always been the case. And this is probably how life works. But we can be truly happy and satisfied with what we have. All we need is to learn how to see the benefits of life among its gaps. 

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A happy soul cries for a change

People can be happy living the life of their dreams as they take it. There are goals these people will never achieve but the fact doesn’t have a significant effect on their lives, because they’ve found that inner harmony each of us is striving for. Things seem to be more or less complete to them but there are the so-called force-majeure circumstances – something that’s always been hot on our tail: wars, natural disasters and other things we cannot control but are constantly contributing to.

I haven’t worked on my book for a while. That’s not because I don’t want to. Believe me or not but I can’t find any inspiration around. It’s a real trial to gather your thoughts under the circumstances because everything is changing so fast that you can’t sense your own emotions. There are too many thoughts and there is such a deep emptiness. This is time incomprehensible to me and millions of people. It takes too many words to express what I feel at the moment and it tends to mean big nothing. We know nothing. We never know anything. We only think that we know everything and this “awareness” gives us the imaginary right to consider ourselves to be wiser than others, but the reality destroys our relations with other people. This war created indiscrete chaos. It brought division into families. So many lives have been ruined. Children. What about children that will never be born?

There are people who have never been 100% satisfied with their existence but they have got strong reasons to feel happy. Their lives are full of laugh, light and warmth. They are able to possess many of the things they need. They have loving families and true friends. But there is something they can’t explain and it is far from the sense of harmony. It happens when we can’t realize our potential and feel like we don’t live our life to the full. This sense of frustration makes us cry at the happiest moments. We begin to feel that something went wrong. But when and why? What if we never achieve what we are meant for? We are in fear at the mere thought of losing a chance. Some of us don’t know how to interpret this life goal and always find themselves between heaven and earth. We can only feel the need to change the direction of life. Others know what they want from their life but can’t find the right way to realize a dream. Such is the case with me. I do not blush to own that I need to find my way and put my things straight.

At times we are afraid of new steps. Change… A change that will blow the new breath into our heads. But why is it so hard at times to make this change? Why can’t we take this step if all our essense strives for it…if all our soul cries for a change?… I think everyone has their reasons…but whatever be the reason I believe our will is strong enough to make the wind blow in the right direction.

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Life is like a diversified menu

Life is a weird thing. It can be worry free at times. It can be hard at times. But it is always unpredictable. We never know what it has in store for us, but it is what we find it attractive for.

Life changes very often like the weather. We can either go with the stream or we can fight. It’s how we find ourselves between hope and fear. But what if we take our fears as a new opportunity to turn our dreams into reality? Going with the stream doesn’t necessarily mean going around in a circle. Fighting doesn’t always provide us with swift changes. Take a listen to your heart – it gives you the best possible answer.

Life is about interaction. You may never know who you inspire with your words or deeds, but feel certain that there is someone you spirit up with your smile.

Don’t be afraid to live. Life’s menu is diversified :)

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