Going home for Christmas

I haven’t been home for about 5 months! This may sound like a short period of time to some of you, but it’s like “I haven’t been home for ages” to me. I left my country for the first time in my life. I miss my family badly and get more homesick as the months roll by. People say everybody can acclimatize themselves to the life in a new place, and I am more at my ease now. I’m getting to know my way around, but there is one thing I cannot put up with – it’s a distance. My family has always been everything to me. We’ve always stood close up to one another.

At the same time I am happy to realize my family grows bigger :) You know that I live with a wonderful woman, and now she is my family as well!

My sweetheart makes me feel on top of the world. She is my endless inspiration. Every time I look into Her beautiful eyes I realize she is the apple of My eyes :) I admire her pure soul and the way she is thankful for small mercies.

I can be myself around my wife. And I try to give her as much tender loving care as I can. But I feel like I’m kind of unjust to my woman. At times when I face difficulties at my new place I can be upset and say things like “my life at home was easier and more comfortable than that I lead in this country. I feel here like a fish out of water“. It’s not easy, for instance, to find a good job and I can’t obtain a medical insurance policy here because I don’t have a citizenship of this country. But at the same time I know there is more light than shade in our lives. And I’m happy to settle down to married life and lead my responsible life. I have no words to express my gratitude to my wife. She is such a warm person! When I cry my woman takes me to her arms and sets my mind at rest. And I feel that I can be happy with my wife in any part of the world and I am ready to follow her to the ends of the earth, because FAMILY COMES FIRST.

We are gonna visit my homeland on Christmas. I want to introduce my sweetheart to my parents and show her round the place I grew up in :)

May the incoming year bring more light and warmth into your Families!

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I’m bisexual. Not guilty.

I haven’t written about my bisexual experience for a while. Hmm, how can I say this? A lot has happened in my life, and at times this is quite an occasion to put my ideas in order for a variety of reasons. As for my self-identity, I feel like I have already accepted myself, but I don’t know how to introduce my bisexuality into society and surroundings I grew up in. Well, I am not as afraid of coming out as I used to be like six months ago. The fact of the matter is I find myself in a state of “two lives” that I don’t know how to reconcile. I moved to another country in July to start a family with my girlfriend. And I feel at ease living the life of a bisexual. In my native country I lived the life of a straight girl and felt perfectly fine as well. I haven’t been to my country for about five months after I left the nest. I am going to visit my home village and meet my dear family and friends in a month.

On the one hand, it feels like nothing has changed – I am the very same girl I used to be. On the other hand, a change came over me – I fell in love with a woman. I look straight to society as before, and there is no doubt people never stop asking me about “my boyfriend” or “husband” etc., etc. There are people who will never accept the fact of same-sex love. Not because they are homophobic, but because the fact a woman can make another woman happy goes over their heads. Some strongly believe it’s a man and only a man who is meant to make a woman happy, and only a man is able to provide for the future of family. So, we should be ready for whatever comes – not everybody can understand it. There will always be those who don’t take same-sex relationships seriously.

By way of example, I have already told my close friends about my private life changes. They’ve accepted my choice and are glad of it with all heart. There is one friend of mine who just cannot understand how a woman is gonna take care of another woman. He tried to offer his explanations, one of which was like “You just need someone (a friend or room-mate) to live under the same roof to make your life easier in another country“. But at the same time he accepts the idea of platonic love (platonic friendship) to a person of any gender, and assumes there can be same-sex love in principle.

Anyway, we should respect the looks of other people, especially if their attitude to us remains friendly and supportive.

I’ve been living with my woman for about five months. This is my first experience of same-sex relationship. Well, I don’t feel like “Omg, I love a Woman!” :) The truth is I live with a person I love. Some guys consider me as a gay and believe I just can’t accept it, but I am not gay. I am who I have always been. I am a girl who cherishes her love. What has changed? Nothing. Really. I am still stick to my way of living, life philosophy and life values.

I met a gay couple last weekend. We had a talk about acceptance. One guy said something like “there is too much noise about the topic, but actually there is nothing unnatural about it“. And really, come to think of it, if a woman loves another woman or a man dates another man – what’s wrong with that? There are so many lonely people in the world, and some of them never find their true love. We don’t much care about their life. Why then do we make a noise when two lonely hearts find each other? No matter the gender. Why do we cultivate this hatred when there is enough of evil in the world without adding this? We poach in other people’s business breaking their lives, and behave like we are empowered to dictate terms. But when somebody intrudes on our feelings we become annoyed. Come on, what’s going on!? Let’s all be free.

Straight, gay or bisexual – who cares? I am a human being who follows her heart.

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Are you sincere to your cherished dream?

Everyone dreams of happiness. While some gradually achieve their cherished dreams over the years, others seem to be miles from pursuing their secret ambitions. It is worth mentioning there are dreams we transform into “non-dreams” (often unconsciously) our life long due to the number of factors. We can be no more interested in some dreams or just forget them as we get older. But what about this secret ambition we have been cherishing since childhood?

Here we should mention people whose fancy range over many subjects. It’s hard then to concentrate all your energy and efforts on achieving a dream. People suffer from “non-realization” of their ambitions.

I have felt like I stand for a great dream since I was little. I tried to figure out the way I need to chose to fulfil my duty, but all the time I came to a dead-lock. The reason happened to be my insecurity and fears I faced. I needed to brace my energies and find inner harmony to be a true character. It took me years to solve my psychological problems. It took me some time to learn how to love and respect myself. I suffered a kind of depression trying to realize my life goal.

I found myself in a whole mess of trouble. I remember the days I was afraid of talking to people. It made me sweat to visit job interviews and, as a result, I refused the greatest vacancies. I was a bundle of nerves and fears. Why? I wanted to find the answer. I was a straight-A student and gained a diploma with high honours; I participated in the students’ academic conferences and wrote excellent recearch articles. But something went wrong at one point after my graduation from the university. When did I lose the moment? I could make a great career but I stumbled over a difficulty.

I am still young and “it’s never too late to start”, and I feel like I am about to make a big push. Now I am learning to live my life to the full and trying to use the time to make a difference.

I am a young writer. I have written some stories that are gonna be published soon. But my dream is much bigger. I just need to take the first step. It’s my lifelong ambition to become a good writer. But the core of my ambition is to make a contribution for the common good.

Now I understand I shouldn’t spend days and nights searching for answers. I just need to be sincere doing what I have a deep feeling for.

This year has been a real ordeal. The war that started in my country introduced subtly an odd subversive note into our souls. And I thought to myself for a moment: we perceive the beauty of life specially when we fall on hardtimes. But I wonder why we usually wait for something sad to happen to remember we are alive? By saying “live to the full” I mean not only love to  life, but also love to other people, Nature and other true beauties of the universe.

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My love has no label

Some people say you don’t have to come out if you don’t want to. And I can fully relate to this point of view. Private life is a private matter of a particular person and it’s entirely up to them to decide on whether to share it with others or not. If you lead both happy and fair life, who cares who you love – a man or woman? I can only share my story with people who truly care for me.

I am beyond caring what other people think of me but I hate labes. I know that from now on I am gonna be taken as a lesbian by the majority (despite the fact I’ve never been gay) because this is the mentality of our society, where you usually see either “too much” or “too less” of the truth avoiding a midpoint. And honestly speaking I would greatly prefer to be treated as “a girl who fell in love with another girl” without giving any names. There are so many souls and stories, each one is unique in so much that you can never perceive the whole depth of someone’s feelings.

Now I need my dearest people to know I live with my wife, not just a friend of mine. I want my wife to be a part of my family. I can imagine us visiting my parents on holidays, eating a Christmas turkey together and holding conversations on household topics…

This is unfair if I cannot introduce my sweetheart to my parents in a common way just because my sweetheart is a female.

I am going to meet my mom in a couple of months and tell her the truth. Quite honestly, I have some fears… this is a post-Soviet society, different mentality… and I don’t want her to have any fears or concerns. But in spite of everything my heart feels warmth and peace because I know my mom will be happy for me.

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Tricky silence

I’ve not written for ages. Nothing else but to admit.

I find myself in a state I cannot “touch”. A kind of weird but unique state. This is the way a person who lost control over time feels. I could force myself to open a door to the world of heart-searching, but they warn “Do not lean on door”.

Am I upset or disappointed? Am I angry or irritated? No, I am not. All I feel like ready to say is “I am speechless”. I think my world is undergoing a transformation. The crucial transformation I can neither stop nor push on. The only right thing – according to my heart – is to follow the flow.

I am like a fish in its natural environment but I am not a fish and water is not my environment. I cannot find a proper word to give a name to my present-day state. I am gracefully lost in the inconceivable mixture of feelings.

THANK YOU, MY LOVE, FOR YOUR TRUST AND UNDERSTANDING! 

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I am in Love with a Wonderful Girl

It’s gonna be a hard journey for us, but Love conquers all.

It happened that I met my love in the times of severe trial for my country. And another thing is the relations between my country and the country my girlfriend is from are strained at the moment, and she cannot come to me because it’s dangerous. But two loving hearts shouldn’t let any political games to prevent them from being happy together. We have taken an important decision. I am moving to her native country soon, which is not actually foreign for me. We will be able to settle our lives together. Of course, it’s a hard step to be taken because I am very close to my family and friends, and because I am emotionally involved in what is happening now in my country… I am distressed for my compatriots. But I realize that it’s time for me to build my own family and life. My girlfriend has got a big heart. She is the warmest person I’ve ever met. She understands my feelings and concerns. She told me that if I miss my family a lot we can go back to my country in the future after the war ends.

You see, I am not making an emphasis on the fact that I fell in love with a girl. I fell in love with a person. Amazing Person…Pure Soul…Warm Heart…Magnetic Green Eyes… And I feel alive! Yes, it’s not an easy thing to live to the full these days because of the problems my country’s facing… But my girlfriend’s support helps me to alleviate this devastating stress… She is the only one who can balance my state at the most uneasy moments.

But if we talk about sexuality I will honestly tell you that I am bisexual. Nothing’s changed about my sexual orientation. I am in love with a woman and I know that from now on many people are gonna consider me as a lesbian but I am not a lesbian. I don’t want anybody to apply for any stamper labels. I am who I am. I am a girl who fell in love with another girl. And the emphasis here I put on LOVE, not a gender. And I am grateful to God for my girlfriend. You know that my country is a post-Soviet country, and the attitude to sexual minorities isn’t quite friendly here, and we won’t be able to marry each other, what makes me sad. At times I am still afraid to take my girlfriend’s hand when we are walking in the street. But the hardest thing is I grew up in a conservative society.. in a small village…we knew nothing about same-sex relationships.. there were neither “boys who liked boys” nor “girls who liked girls” at my school. And now we seem to be living in our modern age. Yes, we do… But our parents and grandparents still follow most of the traditional views of those times… And my family doesn’t know anything about my sexuality.

I cannot keep my love in secret because it’s a kind of disrespect to the person I am in love with. God gives us Love to enjoy it, not to be afraid of it. God gives us Love to make each other happy, not to feel embarrassed about each other. And it’s wrong and unnatural to be afraid of sharing your feelings and thoughts with your nearest and dearest people just because you are bi or gay. I want to feel comfortable and free living the life of who I am. I am proud of my love, I am proud of my girlfriend and I am proud of our relationship. I want her to be a part of my family as well. I want my parents to love her as they love me. I want my friends to be her friends. And it’s an uneasy feeling to realize that for my parents my Wonderful Woman is “just a friend of mine who I am going to stay at after I move to this country”. People from my social circle take me as a straight girl. I’ve always been straight on the outside… They often tell me that it’s time for me to have a husband. It feels like I need some time to find the courage to come out to my family and introduce my girlfriend to them.

Yes, that’s true that She is the first girl I am in a relationship with. I used to date only men in the past. She is the first person I want to live under the same roof because She is my family. Is there any difference between straight relationship and same-sex relationship? Well, of course, it is in the way men differ from women and vice versa. But if we look into a deeper level – the only difference is the power of love you have for a particular person. These true sincere feelings make my world different – they bring peace and light into my life.

I must admit that I am a difficult person…and at times it’s hard for me to express my feelings in the way many other people do… but I treasure my love and I set it above rubies. This is a thrilling state when, on the one hand, you would like to impart your happiness but, on the other hand, you are afraid of sharing your feelings because love is such an intimate thing… it’s only between you and a person you love.

She is my sun. She is my sky. She is my gift from above.

She is far from me now…in another country… I miss her like a flower misses sunshine… I miss her like an eagle misses sky…but I feel her love and warmth despite the distance. And I am waiting for the day we meet again with all my existence.

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Between light and shade of my days

I don’t even know how I feel at the moment. On the one hand, I am so glad to see you again, my dear friends! I’ve not written for a while. And I did miss you all! On the other hand, I beg your pardon because I cannot be wholly devoted to my blog these days… Actually, I have a lot I want to share with you… I’m just lost for words… I find myself in a thoughts-are-my-own, words-are-so-no-longer state. Too many mixed thoughts and feelings tearing my soul apart… The even tenor of life seems to be a thing of the past.

I’ve always been an integral part of my society but only now I realize how strong this connection can be. I am not able to give myself up to my book these days because it is not easy to find inspiration when you are living in anxiety. I even cannot work to the full extent of my power because whatever I do this fear of the unknown bears heavily on me.

We will never be the same. This upheaval set a seal on our lives. It has penetrated deep into our consciousness and changed our attitude to what we all call “everyday life”. Of course, I am trying to lead my normal life…enjoying every moment…setting goals and making plans for the future… and at times it feels like “everything is alright”…But there is a slight hitch in my plans for this future…I am hesitating concerning the course to be taken… Anything can happen at any moment… You don’t know what to believe in and who to listen to…The hope is gradually vanishing… I don’t even know if there is someone who is able to restore the country’s life to its original state. But still I hope things are gonna change for the better soon.

I never saw a war up close… I heard about its horrors only from the older generation sources and mass media… Every time I read the news about military conflicts in other parts of the world I thought to myself “how can such horrible things happen in the present-day world???”. And at the same time I was happy to belong to the country where nothing seemed to cause a war. That is why it feels at times like this chaos is kind of unrealistic… How? Why? I’m tired of trying to find a proper answer. There is no single truth. Maybe, I’m still trying to believe in a false hope that today’s situation is not too serious and next time when I open my eyes I will see my country living in peace and quiet again…

…but people are dying… they are being killed by those who they are living under the same sun… what are they giving their lives for??? people are giving their lives for their country but they are dying because of the world leaders’ ambitions…because of the political games…money and power…

In the times of great soldiers people gave their lives for freedom…and the battle captains led the way and fought to the last alongside with their troops. These days the leaders are just dissolving action in speech… And meanwhile when you look into the sky you should be ready that you may see a military helicopter over your head…

It drives me crazy to look facts in the face. I hate the state of feeling like helpless. I hate injustice that leads to increasing deaths and injuries… And I hate to realize that my native country is being torn apart… I just cannot accept that…

In these shady days I still believe in the light of our hearts.

Sending you lots of warmth, my friends!

Love one another!

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