Love. War. Coming out fear.

I am living in another country at the moment. The removal was the only chance for me and my girlfriend to settle our lives together. We could set up house in my country but this part of the world isn’t quite safe today because of the war.

I miss my family and friends a lot. I’ve not seen them for about two months already. And I don’t know when I meet them again. I can only make plans. And of course I have fears like “What if anything happens in my country (or in the world), and I won’t be able to see my parents in the near future?” or “What if anything happens while I am so far away from my family?”

Another fear is a reason for my discomfort.

I find myself in an embarrassing situation. It’s not an easy thing to find a good job here – I don’t possess a citizenship of the country I am living in these days. And my parents send me money from time to time. My dad is worried about the situation. He thinks it would be better for me to come back home if I cannot find a job. And I understand his feelings. “His daughter moved to another country. She doesn’t have a job to sustain and lead a normal life”.

I want my parents to lose their fears. I want them to know I am okay. And I am okay because I am not alone here. I have my wonderful sweetheart, and we care for each other. I can’t wait to introduce my girlfriend to my family and friends. I need my family to know I’ve met a good person who I want to spend with every day of my life. If my sweetheart was a man I could introduce my love to my parents, and they wouldn’t be so worried about my life in another country. But I don’t have a boyfriend. I have a girlfriend who I call “my wife” and I am sincerely proud of our relationship. I am dreaming about one big family with my girlfriend and my parents sharing a table.

I hate this injustice – and I am so sad because of my fears to tell them my sweetheart is a woman.

I am safe with her being next to me. She supports me and sincerely feels my fears and worries. I want to find a good job here to make my contribution into our “money-box” :) And I need my parents to know I am happy as never before. I want everybody to feel comfortable. The saddest thing is I am  in two minds at the moment and cannot find the courage to tell my family the truth. Oh, actually I can confess but I am afraid of it.

I am disoriented at times. I cannot lie to my parents but I am not ready to disclose my secret. And the most embarassing thing is I cannot leave everything as I find it. I need to find a solution.

My girlfriend is worried about my inner state. When I am sad she is sad as well. I don’t want her to feel this way.

I know it’s time for me to find courage to come out because I want all my dear people to shine with happiness. I don’t think it’s a good idea to tell my mom the truth via skype or by the phone. I want us to have a face-to-face conversation but I meet my mom in December, at the earliest, if everything goes well – I mean political and military environment in my country.

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My love has no label

Some people say you don’t have to come out if you don’t want to. And I can fully relate to this point of view. Private life is a private matter of a particular person and it’s entirely up to them to decide on whether to share it with others or not. If you lead both happy and fair life, who cares who you love – a man or woman? I can only share my story with people who truly care for me.

I am beyond caring what other people think of me but I hate labes. I know that from now on I am gonna be taken as a lesbian by the majority (despite the fact I’ve never been gay) because this is the mentality of our society, where you usually see either “too much” or “too less” of the truth avoiding a midpoint. And honestly speaking I would greatly prefer to be treated as “a girl who fell in love with another girl” without giving any names. There are so many souls and stories, each one is unique in so much that you can never perceive the whole depth of someone’s feelings.

Now I need my dearest people to know I live with my wife, not just a friend of mine. I want my wife to be a part of my family. I can imagine us visiting my parents on holidays, eating a Christmas turkey together and holding conversations on household topics…

This is unfair if I cannot introduce my sweetheart to my parents in a common way just because my sweetheart is a female.

I am going to meet my mom in a couple of months and tell her the truth. Quite honestly, I have some fears… this is a post-Soviet society, different mentality… and I don’t want her to have any fears or concerns. But in spite of everything my heart feels warmth and peace because I know my mom will be happy for me.

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Tricky silence

I’ve not written for ages. Nothing else but to admit.

I find myself in a state I cannot “touch”. A kind of weird but unique state. This is the way a person who lost control over time feels. I could force myself to open a door to the world of heart-searching, but they warn “Do not lean on door”.

Am I upset or disappointed? Am I angry or irritated? No, I am not. All I feel like ready to say is “I am speechless”. I think my world is undergoing a transformation. The crucial transformation I can neither stop nor push on. The only right thing – according to my heart – is to follow the flow.

I am like a fish in its natural environment but I am not a fish and water is not my environment. I cannot find a proper word to give a name to my present-day state. I am gracefully lost in the inconceivable mixture of feelings.

THANK YOU, MY LOVE, FOR YOUR TRUST AND UNDERSTANDING! 

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I am in Love with a Wonderful Girl

It’s gonna be a hard journey for us, but Love conquers all.

It happened that I met my love in the times of severe trial for my country. And another thing is the relations between my country and the country my girlfriend is from are strained at the moment, and she cannot come to me because it’s dangerous. But two loving hearts shouldn’t let any political games to prevent them from being happy together. We have taken an important decision. I am moving to her native country soon, which is not actually foreign for me. We will be able to settle our lives together. Of course, it’s a hard step to be taken because I am very close to my family and friends, and because I am emotionally involved in what is happening now in my country… I am distressed for my compatriots. But I realize that it’s time for me to build my own family and life. My girlfriend has got a big heart. She is the warmest person I’ve ever met. She understands my feelings and concerns. She told me that if I miss my family a lot we can go back to my country in the future after the war ends.

You see, I am not making an emphasis on the fact that I fell in love with a girl. I fell in love with a person. Amazing Person…Pure Soul…Warm Heart…Magnetic Green Eyes… And I feel alive! Yes, it’s not an easy thing to live to the full these days because of the problems my country’s facing… But my girlfriend’s support helps me to alleviate this devastating stress… She is the only one who can balance my state at the most uneasy moments.

But if we talk about sexuality I will honestly tell you that I am bisexual. Nothing’s changed about my sexual orientation. I am in love with a woman and I know that from now on many people are gonna consider me as a lesbian but I am not a lesbian. I don’t want anybody to apply for any stamper labels. I am who I am. I am a girl who fell in love with another girl. And the emphasis here I put on LOVE, not a gender. And I am grateful to God for my girlfriend. You know that my country is a post-Soviet country, and the attitude to sexual minorities isn’t quite friendly here, and we won’t be able to marry each other, what makes me sad. At times I am still afraid to take my girlfriend’s hand when we are walking in the street. But the hardest thing is I grew up in a conservative society.. in a small village…we knew nothing about same-sex relationships.. there were neither “boys who liked boys” nor “girls who liked girls” at my school. And now we seem to be living in our modern age. Yes, we do… But our parents and grandparents still follow most of the traditional views of those times… And my family doesn’t know anything about my sexuality.

I cannot keep my love in secret because it’s a kind of disrespect to the person I am in love with. God gives us Love to enjoy it, not to be afraid of it. God gives us Love to make each other happy, not to feel embarrassed about each other. And it’s wrong and unnatural to be afraid of sharing your feelings and thoughts with your nearest and dearest people just because you are bi or gay. I want to feel comfortable and free living the life of who I am. I am proud of my love, I am proud of my girlfriend and I am proud of our relationship. I want her to be a part of my family as well. I want my parents to love her as they love me. I want my friends to be her friends. And it’s an uneasy feeling to realize that for my parents my Wonderful Woman is “just a friend of mine who I am going to stay at after I move to this country”. People from my social circle take me as a straight girl. I’ve always been straight on the outside… They often tell me that it’s time for me to have a husband. It feels like I need some time to find the courage to come out to my family and introduce my girlfriend to them.

Yes, that’s true that She is the first girl I am in a relationship with. I used to date only men in the past. She is the first person I want to live under the same roof because She is my family. Is there any difference between straight relationship and same-sex relationship? Well, of course, it is in the way men differ from women and vice versa. But if we look into a deeper level – the only difference is the power of love you have for a particular person. These true sincere feelings make my world different – they bring peace and light into my life.

I must admit that I am a difficult person…and at times it’s hard for me to express my feelings in the way many other people do… but I treasure my love and I set it above rubies. This is a thrilling state when, on the one hand, you would like to impart your happiness but, on the other hand, you are afraid of sharing your feelings because love is such an intimate thing… it’s only between you and a person you love.

She is my sun. She is my sky. She is my gift from above.

She is far from me now…in another country… I miss her like a flower misses sunshine… I miss her like an eagle misses sky…but I feel her love and warmth despite the distance. And I am waiting for the day we meet again with all my existence.

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Between light and shade of my days

I don’t even know how I feel at the moment. On the one hand, I am so glad to see you again, my dear friends! I’ve not written for a while. And I did miss you all! On the other hand, I beg your pardon because I cannot be wholly devoted to my blog these days… Actually, I have a lot I want to share with you… I’m just lost for words… I find myself in a thoughts-are-my-own, words-are-so-no-longer state. Too many mixed thoughts and feelings tearing my soul apart… The even tenor of life seems to be a thing of the past.

I’ve always been an integral part of my society but only now I realize how strong this connection can be. I am not able to give myself up to my book these days because it is not easy to find inspiration when you are living in anxiety. I even cannot work to the full extent of my power because whatever I do this fear of the unknown bears heavily on me.

We will never be the same. This upheaval set a seal on our lives. It has penetrated deep into our consciousness and changed our attitude to what we all call “everyday life”. Of course, I am trying to lead my normal life…enjoying every moment…setting goals and making plans for the future… and at times it feels like “everything is alright”…But there is a slight hitch in my plans for this future…I am hesitating concerning the course to be taken… Anything can happen at any moment… You don’t know what to believe in and who to listen to…The hope is gradually vanishing… I don’t even know if there is someone who is able to restore the country’s life to its original state. But still I hope things are gonna change for the better soon.

I never saw a war up close… I heard about its horrors only from the older generation sources and mass media… Every time I read the news about military conflicts in other parts of the world I thought to myself “how can such horrible things happen in the present-day world???”. And at the same time I was happy to belong to the country where nothing seemed to cause a war. That is why it feels at times like this chaos is kind of unrealistic… How? Why? I’m tired of trying to find a proper answer. There is no single truth. Maybe, I’m still trying to believe in a false hope that today’s situation is not too serious and next time when I open my eyes I will see my country living in peace and quiet again…

…but people are dying… they are being killed by those who they are living under the same sun… what are they giving their lives for??? people are giving their lives for their country but they are dying because of the world leaders’ ambitions…because of the political games…money and power…

In the times of great soldiers people gave their lives for freedom…and the battle captains led the way and fought to the last alongside with their troops. These days the leaders are just dissolving action in speech… And meanwhile when you look into the sky you should be ready that you may see a military helicopter over your head…

It drives me crazy to look facts in the face. I hate the state of feeling like helpless. I hate injustice that leads to increasing deaths and injuries… And I hate to realize that my native country is being torn apart… I just cannot accept that…

In these shady days I still believe in the light of our hearts.

Sending you lots of warmth, my friends!

Love one another!

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She stole my heart :)

She is not just my sweet god-daughter. She is not just the daughter of my lifelong friend. She is a part of me. She is my family. From here to eternity.

I saw her first when she was 7 days old. I cuddled her in arms first when she was 30 days old. It happened to be both the most amazing and emotional moment of my life. I was clasping “a NEW life” to my breast. And I will never forget the day she called me Tala for the first time ever.

When I don’t see my god-daughter I miss her like crazy. When I don’t hear her sweet baby voice I feel strange. Every time I enter her room she flies into my arms. She looks deep into my eyes touching my heart-strings… And when I am leaving she smiles sadly making my heart clench. We understand each other without words. It means the whole world to me!!! This is without parallel.

My friend is a single mother. She is more than just a friend of mine. I know her like the palm of my hand. We’ve been friends for about 20 years!!! She has neither parents nor husband. Forced by circumstances she copes with the situation, no matter what. And she has us (her friends) – we never leave her alone. I am deeply grateful to other people who give their support to my friend and her daughter.

I love you, my little angel! You broke the iсe of my heart. Thank you for making me a better person!

I am always here for you! And I will never leave you, because you are my family!

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Solitude vs. loneliness

You don’t need someone to bear you company when you are going to the cimena to enjoy a piece of art. But you need someone to share your appreciation of the movie or disappointment over it.

You don’t need someone to bear you company when you are sitting by the side of a lake or enjoying the glorious sunset to feel a deep connection to nature. But you need someone close to your heart to watch together how a parting day is going.

There is a space inside of us we are filling with other people’s presence in our lives, and there is also a space we are filling through this connection with art and nature to raise our spiritual wealth.

Being alone you can hear your inner voice and talk to your true self… Being alone you can take in the core of your relationships with other people and realize what you need to put a greater emphasis on to never feel lonely.

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