I am in Love with a Wonderful Girl

It’s gonna be a hard journey for us, but Love conquers all.

It happened that I met my love in the times of severe trial for my country. And another thing is the relations between my country and the country my girlfriend is from are strained at the moment, and she cannot come to me because it’s dangerous. But two loving hearts shouldn’t let any political games to prevent them from being happy together. We have taken an important decision. I am moving to her native country soon, which is not actually foreign for me. We will be able to settle our lives together. Of course, it’s a hard step to be taken because I am very close to my family and friends, and because I am emotionally involved in what is happening now in my country… I am distressed for my compatriots. But I realize that it’s time for me to build my own family and life. My girlfriend has got a big heart. She is the warmest person I’ve ever met. She understands my feelings and concerns. She told me that if I miss my family a lot we can go back to my country in the future after the war ends.

You see, I am not making an emphasis on the fact that I fell in love with a girl. I fell in love with a person. Amazing Person…Pure Soul…Warm Heart…Magnetic Green Eyes… And I feel alive! Yes, it’s not an easy thing to live to the full these days because of the problems my country’s facing… But my girlfriend’s support helps me to alleviate this devastating stress… She is the only one who can balance my state at the most uneasy moments.

But if we talk about sexuality I will honestly tell you that I am bisexual. Nothing’s changed about my sexual orientation. I am in love with a woman and I know that from now on many people are gonna consider me as a lesbian but I am not a lesbian. I don’t want anybody to apply for any stamper labels. I am who I am. I am a girl who fell in love with another girl. And the emphasis here I put on LOVE, not a gender. And I am grateful to God for my girlfriend. You know that my country is a post-Soviet country, and the attitude to sexual minorities isn’t quite friendly here, and we won’t be able to marry each other, what makes me sad. At times I am still afraid to take my girlfriend’s hand when we are walking in the street. But the hardest thing is I grew up in a conservative society.. in a small village…we knew nothing about same-sex relationships.. there were neither “boys who liked boys” nor “girls who liked girls” at my school. And now we seem to be living in our modern age. Yes, we do… But our parents and grandparents still follow most of the traditional views of those times… And my family doesn’t know anything about my sexuality.

I cannot keep my love in secret because it’s a kind of disrespect to the person I am in love with. God gives us Love to enjoy it, not to be afraid of it. God gives us Love to make each other happy, not to feel embarrassed about each other. And it’s wrong and unnatural to be afraid of sharing your feelings and thoughts with your nearest and dearest people just because you are bi or gay. I want to feel comfortable and free living the life of who I am. I am proud of my love, I am proud of my girlfriend and I am proud of our relationship. I want her to be a part of my family as well. I want my parents to love her as they love me. I want my friends to be her friends. And it’s an uneasy feeling to realize that for my parents my Wonderful Woman is “just a friend of mine who I am going to stay at after I move to this country”. People from my social circle take me as a straight girl. I’ve always been straight on the outside… They often tell me that it’s time for me to have a husband. It feels like I need some time to find the courage to come out to my family and introduce my girlfriend to them.

Yes, that’s true that She is the first girl I am in a relationship with. I used to date only men in the past. She is the first person I want to live under the same roof because She is my family. Is there any difference between straight relationship and same-sex relationship? Well, of course, it is in the way men differ from women and vice versa. But if we look into a deeper level – the only difference is the power of love you have for a particular person. These true sincere feelings make my world different – they bring peace and light into my life.

I must admit that I am a difficult person…and at times it’s hard for me to express my feelings in the way many other people do… but I treasure my love and I set it above rubies. This is a thrilling state when, on the one hand, you would like to impart your happiness but, on the other hand, you are afraid of sharing your feelings because love is such an intimate thing… it’s only between you and a person you love.

She is my sun. She is my sky. She is my gift from above.

She is far from me now…in another country… I miss her like a flower misses sunshine… I miss her like an eagle misses sky…but I feel her love and warmth despite the distance. And I am waiting for the day we meet again with all my existence.

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Between light and shade of my days

I don’t even know how I feel at the moment. On the one hand, I am so glad to see you again, my dear friends! I’ve not written for a while. And I did miss you all! On the other hand, I beg your pardon because I cannot be wholly devoted to my blog these days… Actually, I have a lot I want to share with you… I’m just lost for words… I find myself in a thoughts-are-my-own, words-are-so-no-longer state. Too many mixed thoughts and feelings tearing my soul apart… The even tenor of life seems to be a thing of the past.

I’ve always been an integral part of my society but only now I realize how strong this connection can be. I am not able to give myself up to my book these days because it is not easy to find inspiration when you are living in anxiety. I even cannot work to the full extent of my power because whatever I do this fear of the unknown bears heavily on me.

We will never be the same. This upheaval set a seal on our lives. It has penetrated deep into our consciousness and changed our attitude to what we all call “everyday life”. Of course, I am trying to lead my normal life…enjoying every moment…setting goals and making plans for the future… and at times it feels like “everything is alright”…But there is a slight hitch in my plans for this future…I am hesitating concerning the course to be taken… Anything can happen at any moment… You don’t know what to believe in and who to listen to…The hope is gradually vanishing… I don’t even know if there is someone who is able to restore the country’s life to its original state. But still I hope things are gonna change for the better soon.

I never saw a war up close… I heard about its horrors only from the older generation sources and mass media… Every time I read the news about military conflicts in other parts of the world I thought to myself “how can such horrible things happen in the present-day world???”. And at the same time I was happy to belong to the country where nothing seemed to cause a war. That is why it feels at times like this chaos is kind of unrealistic… How? Why? I’m tired of trying to find a proper answer. There is no single truth. Maybe, I’m still trying to believe in a false hope that today’s situation is not too serious and next time when I open my eyes I will see my country living in peace and quiet again…

…but people are dying… they are being killed by those who they are living under the same sun… what are they giving their lives for??? people are giving their lives for their country but they are dying because of the world leaders’ ambitions…because of the political games…money and power…

In the times of great soldiers people gave their lives for freedom…and the battle captains led the way and fought to the last alongside with their troops. These days the leaders are just dissolving action in speech… And meanwhile when you look into the sky you should be ready that you may see a military helicopter over your head…

It drives me crazy to look facts in the face. I hate the state of feeling like helpless. I hate injustice that leads to increasing deaths and injuries… And I hate to realize that my native country is being torn apart… I just cannot accept that…

In these shady days I still believe in the light of our hearts.

Sending you lots of warmth, my friends!

Love one another!

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She stole my heart :)

She is not just my sweet god-daughter. She is not just the daughter of my lifelong friend. She is a part of me. She is my family. From here to eternity.

I saw her first when she was 7 days old. I cuddled her in arms first when she was 30 days old. It happened to be both the most amazing and emotional moment of my life. I was clasping “a NEW life” to my breast. And I will never forget the day she called me Tala for the first time ever.

When I don’t see my god-daughter I miss her like crazy. When I don’t hear her sweet baby voice I feel strange. Every time I enter her room she flies into my arms. She looks deep into my eyes touching my heart-strings… And when I am leaving she smiles sadly making my heart clench. We understand each other without words. It means the whole world to me!!! This is without parallel.

My friend is a single mother. She is more than just a friend of mine. I know her like the palm of my hand. We’ve been friends for about 20 years!!! She has neither parents nor husband. Forced by circumstances she copes with the situation, no matter what. And she has us (her friends) – we never leave her alone. I am deeply grateful to other people who give their support to my friend and her daughter.

I love you, my little angel! You broke the iсe of my heart. Thank you for making me a better person!

I am always here for you! And I will never leave you, because you are my family!

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Solitude vs. loneliness

You don’t need someone to bear you company when you are going to the cimena to enjoy a piece of art. But you need someone to share your appreciation of the movie or disappointment over it.

You don’t need someone to bear you company when you are sitting by the side of a lake or enjoying the glorious sunset to feel a deep connection to nature. But you need someone close to your heart to watch together how a parting day is going.

There is a space inside of us we are filling with other people’s presence in our lives, and there is also a space we are filling through this connection with art and nature to raise our spiritual wealth.

Being alone you can hear your inner voice and talk to your true self… Being alone you can take in the core of your relationships with other people and realize what you need to put a greater emphasis on to never feel lonely.

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What happens when a bisexual falls for another bisexual?

A lot has been said about the attitude of both gay and straight people towards bisexuals. And as you know, some don’t take bisexuals seriously, others have a fear of dating a bi person. But have you ever wondered how a bisexual who is dating another bisexual feels?

When I met the first bi woman in my life I didn’t know anything about stereotypes within the LGBT community. I found myself at the point of questioning my sexuality. And she was the first woman I felt drawn to. Now I realize it had nothing to do with real love but at the moment I was crazy about my attraction to her. I believed we could start a committed relationship, instead of this I found myself in a state of total anxiety. She made it clear at once that she was not going to deny herself the pleasure of dating men in terms of sex. She could date a woman but she would choose a man to live under the same roof with. And she didn’t in the least want to change her life style. It was her cup of tea. So it meant she would never be my real partner, and I had either to accept it or “leave” her (actually, we never dated as real lovers). I had a fear of losing this sweet illusion of the senses and at the same time I wanted to forget her. I behaved like a jealous woman, and the emotions were about to drive me crazy. A bond like that was not what I really needed. I was dreaming about a committed relationship built on trust, honesty and mutual respect. Thanks God, she left my mind soon after our ways diverged.

And now I would like to appeal to those people who are unfriendly towards bisexuals. If you think that bisexuals don’t understand your desires or feelings, it means you disregard those bisexuals who stand up for true feelings like any other people. Don’t reduce all bisexuals to the same level. If you meet a bisexual who is not serious about committed relationships it doesn’t mean all bi people feel this way. Yes, I personally had the experience when I was attracted to a bi woman who didn’t want to be my committed partner. But if you ask me, it was not about trust, it was all about a person’s way of living. And it is not the case with bisexuals only. When it comes to love it touches all the people no matter what their sexuality is. This is how life works. Nobody knows how matters will go. But any relationship is about two people, first of all, who either work hard together for their future or go separate ways. But if you feel that your sweetheart is about to change their life style in a certain way, and this is their true desire, give them a chance. Don’t be afraid of a person’s sexuality, be afraid of a person’s attitude towards your feelings. I can admit some bisexuals don’t always know what they want from their love life but again it’s unwise of us to paint everyone with the same brush. This is a person’s behavior that can either attract you or disappoint.

I don’t think I am a right person to reply to the above question (a title) because things are unique in every individual case. But if you want my personal opinion, I would tell you when a bisexual falls for another bisexual they can be either happy together or it will be found that they are not meant for each other just like in a case with all other people, no matter the sexuality.

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What is behind “I-love-you” words?

Have you ever felt like you are afraid of relationships? I fear and hope both at once. This time I don’t fear that someone would break my heart. The reason for my anxiety is that I am afraid of hurting others.

I’ve been thinking a lot about both love and friendship lately. And at times it seems like I can’t find the proper answers to all the questions I am interested in.

I remember how helpless I was a couple of days ago. One of my friends has been trifle sad lately and I tried to cheer her up. But at one point I found my words of encouragement absurd. I thought to myself “Сan I teach anybody to solve a problem like that if I personally know how it feels to face a rough?” Yes, it seems like I can give some advice to my friend because I have already found the way how to cope with a bad mood thing, and I am more aware of the issue now, but because of this very experience I know pretty well how it feels to be in a bad frame of mind. A person who is depressed feels different from what you believe in, and time alone can turn the things around.

Have you ever thought about the responsibility you bear every time you say “I am your friend, you can count on me!”? Friendship is not just about hanging out with somebody. It’s about recognizing your friend’s mood.

I feel really helpless when I don’t know how to support a certain person. At times I even don’t know how to behave to not say something indiscreet about the issue. The hardest thing is that you realize you cannot change the things right now, and when somebody tells you they need some time alone, all you have to do is wait until they break the silence. And it seems to be a feature of true friendship – you feel it without the words that your friend needs to be left alone for a time. But on the other hand it makes me worry about another thing. What if your friend happens to be in a real trouble and they cannot cope with the problem on their own? You are eager to offer your help but they behave just like they don’t need it. What is your next step gonna be like? How can you be a good friend then if you do nothing to wash the sadness of your significant one away? It is obviously an issue in dispute. And I had the experience in the past.

I lost once a good friend of mine… my kindered spirit… I treated her in a special way because she meant a lot to me. And it is still hard for me to get why she abandoned our friendship. She just made it clear that she was not going to put “the way I behaved” out of her mind. Hmm… By my “behaviour” she meant the attemps I was making to help her. Maybe I turned out to be too persistent in my efforts but I meant no harm. It all came to a dead-lock when I said “I take you as you are“. Her reaction was like “Should I esteem it a favor? I haven’t begged a favour of you!“. I do miss her, and at times I feel like I want to send her a message or even call her, but I know she will most probably ignore me. I’ve been reasoning about the misunderstanding phenomenon since then. Your words can be from heart and sincere but you never know how that other person will take them. And the truth is that in many cases we just don’t want to listen to each other.

We are afraid of loneliness but, unfortunately, we often use words lightly. Saying “I love you” to someone we should realize that we are in the relationship with both a person we are attracted to and their problems.

If you do love that someone you are able to feel what is going on in the inmost recesses of their soul. You accept both their perfections and imperfections. It’s like you are looking at the face of a girl and instead of the wrinkles on her brow you see her soul.

We can strike a deep chord in the heart of somebody. But we should keep in mind that a human soul is like a delicate flower – one false move and it’s ruined.

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Ghosts of the past at the back of my mind

I haven’t seen her for ages. I don’t even know how she is getting on at the moment. And I’m not looking back at the past but still she bears in some way on my life on the subconscious level. How so? It seems like a strange thing (she was neither friend nor kindred spirit of mine) but I think I can discover good reasons. She was my “rival” at school.

My classmates looked upon that girl as an authority, and many of us wanted to work themselves into her favour. I cannot say that I was one of them but I didn’t want to fall out of graces with her. She was in the highlight and made friends with the “coolest” guys of the school. And if my memory does not play me false, she was the first proud owner of a cell phone I knew :) Not everybody had the guts to contradict her.

At times I thought to myself that “it would be great if she was kind to me”, but usually the relations were strained between us. We often had a confrontation of opinion. On the other hand, as a teenager I was very courageous and fearless. I was able to stand up for myself. Like that girl I had a strong character and tended to develop my leadership skills.

But there was another “me” hidden from the society. There was that little kid looking for both her safe heaven and truth.

I left school about 10 years ago.

It is quite unthinkable, but these days almost every time when I feel like I am at a dead-lock I have a weird lucid dream. I find myself at school or in surroundings I know with my schoolmates next to me. And, of course, she is the main figure of the dream for me to deal with. The scenes are changing case after case but the idea of my dream remains the same. I find myself tossing a challenge to my fears and doubts through a confrontation with her. And if I happen to be stronger than her in my dream (like I am confident and can easily make that girl shut her mouth and listen to me), then it means that I am able to find a quick way out of a difficulty in my real life too. But there are dreams where she shoots me down, and other guys are on her side. It means that I face a real challenge in my life and haven’t found the solution to a problem yet. At times I find myself in a state of self-contradiction, that is when I have courage to confront her but still feel like I lack confidence in myself.

I don’t know when she leaves my dreams (and if she) but it feels like the ghosts of the past send their “message” to us by means of the subconscious, even if we don’t expect that.

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