Actually he is not just the first person from my social circle I came out to. He was my first man in every sense of the word. My first adult boyfriend. My first sexual partner. When we met I was a young girl who tried to find herself. He was a serious mature man, eight years older than me. So, I’ve known him for about 6 years already. Now he is my friend.
I was seeing him last Sunday. We were sharing a table sitting vis-а-vis at dinner and talking about life. I cannot explain it to you but I felt like I wanted to come out to him. Maybe it’s because he knows me a little better than other male friends of mine.
“I have something I need to tell you”, I said, and my heart felt faint within me. “You can say it”, he replied. It turned out to be such a hard thing to come out to a person who’s known you as a straight girl only for so many years. (And I think it should be pointed out that he truly loved me when I was his girlfriend).
I confessed that I liked not only men but also women. My voice trembled with excitement, I lost my appetite. I still can’t take my mind off that moment. His reaction cut the ground from my under feet. “Have you slept with women?”, he asked. Yeah, it was the first thing he was interested in!!! Why most of the men behave like that??? When I was making my confession I meant, first of all, true love and strong emotions.
When I recollected myself I told him that I had a couple of gay friends (male friends), but his reaction was like “I hate gays”. It sounded so unfriendly! “If you hate gays it means you hate me as well”, I said. But his words unbalanced me again: “No, I have nothing against women, besides, men like to watch how two women are having sex”.
If you ask me how I felt after that conversation, I will tell you honestly that I was upset. It feels like he didn’t take my sexuality seriously, despite my confession I was in love with a woman a couple of years ago. He just wanted to know who that woman was but I refused sharing my story. I think he considered my bisexuality in one respect only – a sexual one. After my coming out we proceeded with talking about future plans and he kept saying things like “when you meet your future husband” etc. It felt like he ignored my attraction to women.
It shows the attitude of society to sexual minorities. Some people still feel disgusted at homosexuality, some feel indifferent to it, some don’t take same-sex relationships as a “true reality”. But there are people who support sexual minorities, and I hope one day we all will be more friendly towards one another. We need to make away with this intolerance attitude because both homosexuality and bisexuality exist, and we cannot dictate terms to one another. Society doesn’t always accept us, but let’s accept ourselves in spite of everything.
The only member of my family who I’ve already come out to is my cousin who lives now in another country. She supports me but I feel like she doesn’t want to believe in my bisexuality. I told her about my first coming out experience but she thinks that I need to wait a little. She believes that my attraction to women is not real, that it’s just “the result of my love for lesbian-related movies” Well, I think I am the only one who really knows how I feel inside. The self-discovery and then self-acceptance process turned out to be long and hard but now I can safely say I’m proud of who I am and I am happy that I found the courage to question and then accept my sexuality.
Sometimes people want us to be “standard” and follow the crown because it’s easier for them to deal with us in this way. And if you are different not all of them are ready to accept the fact. We all know the expression “everything is as it should be” but I think it’s up to a particular person what way to follow, because each of us takes the life the way they feel it. I’ve been weirdo ever since I was little. I felt like a stranger within my society trying to understand why I can’t fit it. But now I realize I am an individual with my own life philosophy.
Don’t be afraid to accept your identity. It’s not about coming out as such, it’s about being honest with yourself. It’s not about coming out to everybody, it’s about feeling free and complete expressing your emotions (if you need it) to those people you trust. I think each of us wants to be heard.