She stole my heart :)

She is not just my sweet god-daughter. She is not just the daughter of my lifelong friend. She is a part of me. She is my family. From here to eternity.

I saw her first when she was 7 days old. I cuddled her in arms first when she was 30 days old. It happened to be both the most amazing and emotional moment of my life. I was clasping “a NEW life” to my breast. And I will never forget the day she called me Tala for the first time ever.

When I don’t see my god-daughter I miss her like crazy. When I don’t hear her sweet baby voice I feel strange. Every time I enter her room she flies into my arms. She looks deep into my eyes touching my heart-strings… And when I am leaving she smiles sadly making my heart clench. We understand each other without words. It means the whole world to me!!! This is without parallel.

My friend is a single mother. She is more than just a friend of mine. I know her like the palm of my hand. We’ve been friends for about 20 years!!! She has neither parents nor husband. Forced by circumstances she copes with the situation, no matter what. And she has us (her friends) – we never leave her alone. I am deeply grateful to other people who give their support to my friend and her daughter.

I love you, my little angel! You broke the iсe of my heart. Thank you for making me a better person!

I am always here for you! And I will never leave you, because you are my family!




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Solitude vs. loneliness

You don’t need someone to bear you company when you are going to the cimena to enjoy a piece of art. But you need someone to share your appreciation of the movie or disappointment over it.

You don’t need someone to bear you company when you are sitting by the side of a lake or enjoying the glorious sunset to feel a deep connection to nature. But you need someone close to your heart to watch together how a parting day is going.

There is a space inside of us we are filling with other people’s presence in our lives, and there is also a space we are filling through this connection with art and nature to raise our spiritual wealth.

Being alone you can hear your inner voice and talk to your true self… Being alone you can take in the core of your relationships with other people and realize what you need to put a greater emphasis on to never feel lonely.

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What happens when a bisexual falls for another bisexual?

A lot has been said about the attitude of both gay and straight people towards bisexuals. And as you know, some don’t take bisexuals seriously, others have a fear of dating a bi person. But have you ever wondered how a bisexual who is dating another bisexual feels?

When I met the first bi woman in my life I didn’t know anything about stereotypes within the LGBT community. I found myself at the point of questioning my sexuality. And she was the first woman I felt drawn to. Now I realize it had nothing to do with real love but at the moment I was crazy about my attraction to her. I believed we could start a committed relationship, instead of this I found myself in a state of total anxiety. She made it clear at once that she was not going to deny herself the pleasure of dating men in terms of sex. She could date a woman but she would choose a man to live under the same roof with. And she didn’t in the least want to change her life style. It was her cup of tea. So it meant she would never be my real partner, and I had either to accept it or “leave” her (actually, we never dated as real lovers). I had a fear of losing this sweet illusion of the senses and at the same time I wanted to forget her. I behaved like a jealous woman, and the emotions were about to drive me crazy. A bond like that was not what I really needed. I was dreaming about a committed relationship built on trust, honesty and mutual respect. Thanks God, she left my mind soon after our ways diverged.

And now I would like to appeal to those people who are unfriendly towards bisexuals. If you think that bisexuals don’t understand your desires or feelings, it means you disregard those bisexuals who stand up for true feelings like any other people. Don’t reduce all bisexuals to the same level. If you meet a bisexual who is not serious about committed relationships it doesn’t mean all bi people feel this way. Yes, I personally had the experience when I was attracted to a bi woman who didn’t want to be my committed partner. But if you ask me, it was not about trust, it was all about a person’s way of living. And it is not the case with bisexuals only. When it comes to love it touches all the people no matter what their sexuality is. This is how life works. Nobody knows how matters will go. But any relationship is about two people, first of all, who either work hard together for their future or go separate ways. But if you feel that your sweetheart is about to change their life style in a certain way, and this is their true desire, give them a chance. Don’t be afraid of a person’s sexuality, be afraid of a person’s attitude towards your feelings. I can admit some bisexuals don’t always know what they want from their love life but again it’s unwise of us to paint everyone with the same brush. This is a person’s behavior that can either attract you or disappoint.

I don’t think I am a right person to reply to the above question (a title) because things are unique in every individual case. But if you want my personal opinion, I would tell you when a bisexual falls for another bisexual they can be either happy together or it will be found that they are not meant for each other just like in a case with all other people, no matter the sexuality.

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What is behind “I-love-you” words?

Have you ever felt like you are afraid of relationships? I fear and hope both at once. This time I don’t fear that someone would break my heart. The reason for my anxiety is that I am afraid of hurting others.

I’ve been thinking a lot about both love and friendship lately. And at times it seems like I can’t find the proper answers to all the questions I am interested in.

I remember how helpless I was a couple of days ago. One of my friends has been trifle sad lately and I tried to cheer her up. But at one point I found my words of encouragement absurd. I thought to myself “Сan I teach anybody to solve a problem like that if I personally know how it feels to face a rough?” Yes, it seems like I can give some advice to my friend because I have already found the way how to cope with a bad mood thing, and I am more aware of the issue now, but because of this very experience I know pretty well how it feels to be in a bad frame of mind. A person who is depressed feels different from what you believe in, and time alone can turn the things around.

Have you ever thought about the responsibility you bear every time you say “I am your friend, you can count on me!”? Friendship is not just about hanging out with somebody. It’s about recognizing your friend’s mood.

I feel really helpless when I don’t know how to support a certain person. At times I even don’t know how to behave to not say something indiscreet about the issue. The hardest thing is that you realize you cannot change the things right now, and when somebody tells you they need some time alone, all you have to do is wait until they break the silence. And it seems to be a feature of true friendship – you feel it without the words that your friend needs to be left alone for a time. But on the other hand it makes me worry about another thing. What if your friend happens to be in a real trouble and they cannot cope with the problem on their own? You are eager to offer your help but they behave just like they don’t need it. What is your next step gonna be like? How can you be a good friend then if you do nothing to wash the sadness of your significant one away? It is obviously an issue in dispute. And I had the experience in the past.

I lost once a good friend of mine… my kindered spirit… I treated her in a special way because she meant a lot to me. And it is still hard for me to get why she abandoned our friendship. She just made it clear that she was not going to put “the way I behaved” out of her mind. Hmm… By my “behaviour” she meant the attemps I was making to help her. Maybe I turned out to be too persistent in my efforts but I meant no harm. It all came to a dead-lock when I said “I take you as you are“. Her reaction was like “Should I esteem it a favor? I haven’t begged a favour of you!“. I do miss her, and at times I feel like I want to send her a message or even call her, but I know she will most probably ignore me. I’ve been reasoning about the misunderstanding phenomenon since then. Your words can be from heart and sincere but you never know how that other person will take them. And the truth is that in many cases we just don’t want to listen to each other.

We are afraid of loneliness but, unfortunately, we often use words lightly. Saying “I love you” to someone we should realize that we are in the relationship with both a person we are attracted to and their problems.

If you do love that someone you are able to feel what is going on in the inmost recesses of their soul. You accept both their perfections and imperfections. It’s like you are looking at the face of a girl and instead of the wrinkles on her brow you see her soul.

We can strike a deep chord in the heart of somebody. But we should keep in mind that a human soul is like a delicate flower – one false move and it’s ruined.


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Ghosts of the past at the back of my mind

I haven’t seen her for ages. I don’t even know how she is getting on at the moment. And I’m not looking back at the past but still she bears in some way on my life on the subconscious level. How so? It seems like a strange thing (she was neither friend nor kindred spirit of mine) but I think I can discover good reasons. She was my “rival” at school.

My classmates looked upon that girl as an authority, and many of us wanted to work themselves into her favour. I cannot say that I was one of them but I didn’t want to fall out of graces with her. She was in the highlight and made friends with the “coolest” guys of the school. And if my memory does not play me false, she was the first proud owner of a cell phone I knew :) Not everybody had the guts to contradict her.

At times I thought to myself that “it would be great if she was kind to me”, but usually the relations were strained between us. We often had a confrontation of opinion. On the other hand, as a teenager I was very courageous and fearless. I was able to stand up for myself. Like that girl I had a strong character and tended to develop my leadership skills.

But there was another “me” hidden from the society. There was that little kid looking for both her safe heaven and truth.

I left school about 10 years ago.

It is quite unthinkable, but these days almost every time when I feel like I am at a dead-lock I have a weird lucid dream. I find myself at school or in surroundings I know with my schoolmates next to me. And, of course, she is the main figure of the dream for me to deal with. The scenes are changing case after case but the idea of my dream remains the same. I find myself tossing a challenge to my fears and doubts through a confrontation with her. And if I happen to be stronger than her in my dream (like I am confident and can easily make that girl shut her mouth and listen to me), then it means that I am able to find a quick way out of a difficulty in my real life too. But there are dreams where she shoots me down, and other guys are on her side. It means that I face a real challenge in my life and haven’t found the solution to a problem yet. At times I find myself in a state of self-contradiction, that is when I have courage to confront her but still feel like I lack confidence in myself.

I don’t know when she leaves my dreams (and if she) but it feels like the ghosts of the past send their “message” to us by means of the subconscious, even if we don’t expect that.

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Flying in the face of fear

A room was located in a double-decker building. I was standing at the window of the second-storey and looking out at the view. “The enemy is upon us!”, one of my friends shouted. The guys fluttered about the room anxiously. “Call the cops!“, I said but felt like I was mocked with false hopes. The playgroud in front of our building was quickly filling with “enemies” appearing out of nowhere. I smelt trouble.

A senseless brute caught my eye. There was an evil grin on his face. I took an aversion to him at once. I had shivers running up and down my spine.

The police were soon on the scene. They rushed to the attack and for a moment I regained the presence of my mind, but that was just a preamble of a bloody mess. The cops didn’t seem to be able to defeat the enemy. They moved about in a random way making no resistance. I was beginning to think that they lost the plot. It felt like the cops arrived there just to be killed by those monsters. They were dying with hardly a struggle. I was all mussed up.

A nervous moment for us all.

“You are next”, he shouted. And once again I recoiled from the sight of his evil grin. I was afraid for my friends whose hopes I was not able to sustain anymore.

“They are gonna kill us!”, I heard the voice touched with emotion from the next room. My friend who was standing by my side wore a troubled look. And we had every reason to believe in the worst. Our enemies could easily get their hands on us. Nobody stood in their way.

I could make neither head nor tail of that nightmare. “What’s going on? Maybe, we should call another cops?“, my friend suggested. I looked down towards the playgroud… The cops were killed to a man. I saw that evil grin again. And…omg…to my unspeakable horror I realized that he never took his eyes off me. But why?

We felt like they were going to run upstairs and kill us at any moment. The enemies menaced us with guns, but I thought to myself “what are they waiting for? It felt like their goal was to kill us in a psychological way, as if they wanted to see how long we could keep our self-control. It was a kind of mental violence.

He stepped up to a breathless corpse and beheaded it with a dagger. I was filled with horror at the sight of the inhumane act. He had the crust to look me in the eyeball without a blink. There was triumph in his eye. I knew what he was going to do next. I read his thoughts. Those were the thoughts of a madman.

I was able to step aside. I could close the window but it was impossible because he broke out a pane. I wondered why I let him do that towards me. I looked straight into his eyes, and even when he threw the severed head up in the air I didn’t step aside. I realized the “performance” was meant for me. I took a load off my feet but at the moment my whole body felt the “touch” of the severed head. I shuddered with disgust. But I found the courage to draw myself up and look out of the window.

He wanted me to tremble with fear, but my fear was gradually merged in curiosity. I thought to myself “what next, man?”.

I had to close down the window of vulnerability.

It was my first “serious” lucid dream I had like 6 years ago. I think that I will never forget the emotions I experienced that night. I woke up in a cold sweat. My heart was pounding with anxiety. I realized that it was much more than just a dream. I threw down a challenge to my inner fears of the period I was living through at the time. But a feeling of aversion turned out to be stronger than a sensation of fear. The severed head on my back made me creep all over.  The aversion I had didn’t leave me for a while.

But I wonder whether it was about my disgust towards the head on my back or towards him?

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My thrilling lucid dreaming world

I’ve been having lucid dreams for many years already. The first vivid lucid dream I had (like six years ago) left an imprint on my world. At that time I was a young girl who just started the journey towards her true self. I was trying to discover the deepest levels of my consciousness, studying psychology (mostly on my own) and creating my “theory” of self-conception. I was challenging my mind both analysing and valuing it. Troubled moment of my life. I was in distressing mood and lacked the inner peace but increased my self-consciousness and finally found my true self. Now I can safely say those hard times invigorated me. I “saw” both good and bad sides of my human nature. I realized who I didn’t want to be. I came close to the borderland between sanity and insanity. But it is another story of my self-discovery process I will share with you some day.

Probably, this is one of the main reasons why I usually have lucid dreams at the most important moments of my life like when I find myself living through a trial or facing an inner struggle, or when I am about to enter upon a new phase. I have like 60 lucid dreaming nights per year. A whole month of lucid dreaming in autumn and another 30 nights over the year depending on what is going on in my life, hence, what my state of mind is. This is a thrilling thing to be aware you are sleeping and can control your dreams. When somebody asks me in what way I can do this I usually reply the following way: “Just imagine that a badman follows me up and is about to grab me. Of course, I don’t want him to catch me. To prevent it I change the order of things in a way that is convenient for me, so that he would never touch me.” Or I can simply open my eyes and close them at once to switch to a new dream. I can have about 5 lucid dreams per night.

The lucid dreams I have are extremely realistic and always meant to leave a certain message for me. What do they provide me with? Some of the lucid dreams I have make me analyse my human nature, moral values and behavior. Some of them show me what my true desires are. I often obtain the vital answers I cannot find in the reality. I can be dreaming (be the main character of a lucid story) and at the same time thinking about my new day like what I’m going to do or dress in the morning. I experience feelings and emotions like those I usually have in my real life, but often they are even deeper and stronger because I don’t need to restrict myself in this “wonder world”. At the moments when I face a challenge in my real life these dreams are meant to help me find a way out or steer me in the right direction.

I am a young writer, and lucid dreaming has become an integral part of my art. I draw new ideas, inspiration and even confidence from my dreams. I write the most important dreams down, and sometime after that I realize they have been a kind of prophetic dreams.

I make special emphasis on my lucid dreams about the Judgment day, destiny of humankind and Mother nature state. They are didactic as a rule and seem to be the so-called caution board.

I tried a little experiment last autumn. One fine morning I thought to myself “At night when I am in the arms of Morpheus I will look at my hand and see something abnormal“. And yeah, at night when I was having a lucid dream (I was taken captive by two men and tried to make a quick get-away) I paused for an instant (making my enemies “stop and wait”). I was keeping that morning idea in mind. I was pretty sure that something was wrong with my hand. And when I looked at my left hand I saw six fingers instead of my five!!! :) Then I gave a glance at my kidnappers again and made a decision to let them go in peace :)

I experienced a false awakening as well. First I didn’t know how to feel about it. It was both a frightening and curious thing. But then I read some info and realized I had nothing to worry about. The last time I “woke up” 5 times. Every time I made an attempt to wake up I believed it was real. I took my cell phone to look at the time. I clearly saw the numbers, and they really demonstrated that it was time for me to get up. I even saw my mom entering the room, and I heard her voice. But then I again found myself lucid dreaming and realizing my awakening was not real. Still every new attempt to wake up gave me the confidence that next time it would be REAL.

It should be pointed out that attempt by attempt my cell phone showed different time.

The world of dreams is such an interesting world! I think everybody has their special dreams :) May you have more sweet and safe dreams!

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